Oh wait. I never said it out loud.
Planning a wedding is a traumatic experience; and committing your life to one person forever and then tearing your vagina so that a rugby ball sized slimy human can crawl out of it to spend most of it's time growing to make you miserable until that little thing goes to college - is fucking scary.
For me. I could be an isolated case, but yeah, I was never ready for this kind of grownup shit.
But I did it anyway.
Ask me what's the craziest thing I have ever done and I will say, THIS.
Jumping off from a 233m tower doesn't come close to this.
Oh yeahh, will totally brag about this but today is not the day.
Today, I want to talk about how I made that step. I had lived on the edge all my life, enjoying it to the max, until I met that one person, the only person, whom I would make a free fall with from that edge, no matter how much I loved it up there. The fall was going to be scary and full of uncertainties, but he took my hand and we made it. We took the plunge.
So here's a recap of what went on during the biggest, craziest day of my life.
The holy matrimony was going to start at 10.30 a.m., so I got up at 5.30 a.m. to get ready for makeup at 6 a.m. It was the weirdest feeling ever, looking at my puffy face at the mirror and telling myself, bitch, you gettin' married today - make sure you get your shit together. See I cried that night before. And I downed multiple shots of vodka. And then I got better. Thank god for the Russians.
I got my makeup done without breaking down - I imagined I would definitely ruin my makeup, but on that day, I was strangely calm. My brain was no longer crazy paranoid and anxiety driven like it was the day after I was proposed and the whole year that followed. It's like there was an anxiety lever on your wedding day and your brain was sane enough to finally shut it down after a year of nightmare and released the rainbows and butterflies.
Thankfully I had a bunch of ladies to to get me through the dress, the nails and whatnots. So this was what they say about the advantages of having sisters. It's nice and handy. Am still happy being the only girl though. Or else mom wouldn't have spent so much effort in helping me with the wedding.
After makeup, we had a little photoshoot session. Well, the photographer and videographer did their thang throughout makeup anyway.
Of course, there was chaos at home - coz half of my relatives were staying in and they had to prepare themselves and their kids, and some were trying to sober up. Yeah, there was a huge barbeque party the night before in which I didn't get to enjoy the Philipino special roasted pork as I was in my room, weeping on the floor, drowning in alcohol.
And so it was time to go marry my man.
The Holy Matrimony
By the Lord's grace, everything was in place.
I got off my royal carriage like a um, royal.
I walked down the aisle like the little princess my mom had been dreaming about since I was born.
And there he was, my Vin Diesel/Pitbull/(insert any clean shaven artist) kind of a Prince Charming with sweaty palms waiting for me.
Then my dad handed me to him as he said his final advice and wish to the new man who was going to take care of his little girl. It broke me.
Luckily the onion ninjas stopped cutting by the time I reached the altar.
Then the mass proceeded as it should - saying our 'I do's':
By the way I totally got the ring hand wrong! But nobody noticed it so yay. We changed it surreptitiously right after.
Fun fact: A veil symbolises a bride's virginity. Hence when the veil is unveiled, it totally means the groom has finally gotten the green light to pop her cherry. So in good faith, let us all assume that all veiled brides are virgins. ALL of them.
Yeah we took our time. So you know, witnesses had enough time to snap our photos.
And la di da di da, boom! We're married! We fucking did it!
Up the overhead bridge:
And cross it like a boss.
By the time we reached the luncheon hall, it was packed.
We went to our luncheon immediately when we got the cue. Since we were short on time and there was going to be a dinner rehearsal right after the luncheon, we dived towards our cake for the cake cutting ceremony.
Had our lunch (was incredibly starving), said our hi's to the guests and went straight for our dinner rehearsal. So if you were there, and you only met us for a brief moment, that was the reason.
The Wedding Reception
Some guests came rather early to our surprise, considering our typical Malaysian bad habit of arriving to a function on time.
By 7.30 p.m., it was show time. More like, grand entrance, food presentation and dining.
There was supposed to be a confetti pop but apparently it was faulty, what the hell.
Being the bride and groom, we probably sat at the least exciting table as our VIPs were senior family members. Seeing my friends in the next table, I kept it hard not to pull my chair and join them.
The food presentation was pretty blah but who cares right. Food was more important than a bunch of teenagers stumbling on what they call a presentation.
Then came the cake cutting ceremony.
Obviously, the camera knew what was going on with me. I was already tipsy during the cake cutting ceremony. Not that I'm a stupid drunkard but it was to prep me for something I was going to do in a bit.
There was the father and daughter dance.
In which we only practiced two days before the wedding. Imagine practicing two days for waltz. You get lots of stumbling and giggling.
And then the first dance with the hubs. Lol, hubs. Also, a dance we practiced only the day before.
And then! Our surprise dance routine.
After the dance routine that made me cringe when I think about it and makes me want to cry when I watch the video, we went on an obligatory yamseng mission to every table.
There were lots of dancing when not yamseng-ing.
A birthday surprise! My event coordinating team was just the best.
More excuse for them to get us drunk.
And then there was this little naughty game organised.
And when we did it it's like we won an Oscar or something.
Then we continued with more yamseng-ing.
Then there was more dancing.
Until it was time for us to go back to our hotel room, ridiculously wasted.
The rest of the equally wasted guests moved the party to a nearby club in which I would've left the hubs and join them had we not have ANOTHER reception to do the next day.
The Kampung Reception
Yup, I woke up at 6am the next day to prepare for makeup at 7am for the kampung reception. Years of clubbing experience, especially during the times when I have to get up early to go to class (study/work) the next day, has prepared me for this particular day, to wake up as fresh as the first morning dew and to continue my duty as a smiling bride. See? Who says clubbing is bad for you when you don't count the lack of sleep, ashtray hair and unknown bruises?
The kampung reception was all about tradition. Since the hubs is of Dusun and Chinese descendant, we were treated to both traditional cultural affair.
For the Dusun part, they have this tradition called tambalang. It is where the bride sits pretty in her room while the singing party comes and brings her to the groom's house.
So this was me being tambalang-ed. From my parents room though, as my own room looked like it was hit by a tornado.
And they sang again when we walked all the way to the hub's house.
And when we reached the hubs place, my entourage was welcomed with the tinagai, a sweet traditional alcoholic drink before we were allowed to enter.
And then the hubs and I were treated to the customary tapai, or rice wine.
After that, we were in for the Chinese tradition part.
Then came your everyday wedding reception itinerary. It would be our third time going through the cake-cutting ceremony, champagne popping and toast.
And as usual, lots of eating, singing, dancing and of course, drinking.
I'M SO FUCKING GLAD IT'S OVER.
And I'm so glad and thankful for everyone who was involved planning this badass day, and those who came to celebrate the first day of our lives together. Not forgetting the wonderful wishes from those who couldn't come. You make it all worth it. And I would say now, hey, it isn't that bad you know, getting married. You're gonna have tons of fun like we did. If you don't count the mind numbing planning. And you know your wedding is fucking epic when you hear the most insane wasted tales that happened to your guests. And of course also from those who stayed sober and managed to witness everything that went down.
The hubs and I can barely remember everything that happened after 10 p.m., but we knew we had the best time of our lives, and it was for us, a great way to celebrate our first day together, by owning it like a boss.
So everyone, this for you:
Now that I'm married, I'm going to prepare a jar for every dollar I'm going to put in when someone asks me when a rugby ball sized slimy human being will tear out from my vagina.