Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Another Self-Loathing Teacher Post

Experience makes you stronger.

That was what I believe, since my second year as a teacher has gone on smoothly.

I was wrong.

After being so contented, calm and strong in dealing with a different bunch of crap at school, I finally snapped.

The kind of snapped where you just don't give a damn any more.  The kind when you look at the kids who are playing at the back of the class, as you are breaking your back giving them notes to help them pass their SPM; and you think to yourself, "I don't need this shit", and just walk away, without a word.

No rage.  Just utter disappointment, in the kids you're trying to help, and also in yourself.

I thought I'm so over this phase.  But judging from the other seasoned teachers who refuse to enter class, burst into tears at the staffroom or you know, who just don't give a fuck any more, 'coz like, why try so hard when the kids themselves don't care - it looks like you'll never, ever get used to incorrigible spawns of the devil kind of students.  You do learn to be more patient each day, but for every time you practice patience, it just eats you inside.  You're just buying time until you become hollow inside, and break.  If you don't break, you must be a classroom management god, or just someone who is dead inside and do not give a single fuck any more.

After my dramatic exit that day, I thought I too had died inside.  I was still determined to enter class, ('coz it's a mortal sin to not enter class) but without teaching that bastard class, like, till their exam.  Fuck their SPM.  They don't care about it, so why should I, right?  Why am I hurting my feet standing on my 5" heels writing down notes on the white board for them?

Fortunately, or unfortunately, my Jiminy Cricket reminded me that in that be-damned class, there ARE still kids who want to make it.  I decided I'll just save my ultimate zero-fuck-given weapon of mass destruction for a better day.

So now, 3 weeks more closing into their exam that will determine their fate - whether they'll become rich and successful, or to be the scum under the shoes of the rich and successful, there's only about half of them left in my class.  Only those who seek success shall enter.  And those who have scorned me are banished forever.  If you have never been a teacher before, you'd think what I'm doing is wrong.  That I'm supposed to motivate these kids, yada yada.  Well fuck you, I don't care any more.  Yes, part of me has died.  But the other part of me still lives for the kids who want to learn.

At this point, I will stab anyone who dares to tell me that being a teacher is easy.

On a recent exam:

I feel you kid.  So here's an A+ for you.


cynthiaDHT said...

This post came right on time. I have been so patient with this one kid who has been in and out of school.

Today I almost gave him my middle finger. But being the nice teacher that I am, I just screamed at him to go to hell.

Other than that, there's nothing much that I can do. Sigh.

Amanda Christine Wong said...

@Cynth: Hm, being asked to go to hell, or given the middle finger...can't decide which is more bad ass. hehe. but yeah, there's only so much we can do. sigh.

Santafire said...


Amanda Christine Wong said...

@Santafire: yeah!

Phoebe said...

Oh Amanda,
Ni baru la situation yg damned if you do and damned if you dont. I feel for u. If I were a teacher I'd probably be in Bukit Padang now. U still have 3 years bond to teach is it? Nvmind, just do it for the kids who want it. After all, you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

The suicidal drawing juga la yg paling manang. Maybe pursuing your Masters and becoming a lecturer is not such a bad idea afterall.. ^^

Amanda Christine Wong said...

Phy: SO right on the horse thing. Ugh. memang paling banyak cigu di bukit padang. well yeah, im getting my masters soon,so...who knows where that path will bring me :D

V said...

You still have that passion in you :) else you wouldn't have reached this point - disappointment.

Anything you do, I wish you happiness. And you know what, it's a choice they say :D

Good luck!

Amanda Christine Wong said...

V: Huh. True. Thanks!

Benedicta*C_J said...

i did that last year once, this year once. Like wat u said, we work so hard try to help them but they r not even interested to learn. Sy suda mula salin nota, dorang msh lgi bsing. msh lgi bcakap mcm d kedai kopi. This year punya kes, drg bising sgt, trs sy ckp, 'knp x kluar kn buku, xmau bljr ka?', drg mnjawab jga ckp, tidak. then sy ckp, if like, i'm out from class. ada voice yg ckp, keluar lah. trs sy keluar dgn gembiranya. hahahaha..mmg sy x marah, sy gembira. rilek la xda kja suda. a group of them come and ask me to come to their class siap bsembunyi lgi smata2 x mau drg jmp sya. hahaha

Amanda Christine Wong said...

@Carol: WOW. Punya kurang ajar?! So far I haven't encountered yg begitu lagi. Wow. Ya, sy pun pernah tu. Tapuk di pantry takut kena cari. Hahaha...

Shamimi Haniza said...

Nice words to show what I feel right now! Just feel the same. Not angry, but more to disssapointed. *sigh*

Amanda Christine Wong said...

@Mimi: Sigh. Who says being a teacher is easy, right?

Shamimi Haniza said...

Yup. Btw, superjunior posting in Segamat n will be staying wif me for the time being. Huhuhu

Amanda Christine Wong said...

@Mimi: Oh...bagus la, ada teman :D