Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Another Self-Loathing Teacher Post
Experience makes you stronger.
That was what I believe, since my second year as a teacher has gone on smoothly.
I was wrong.
After being so contented, calm and strong in dealing with a different bunch of crap at school, I finally snapped.
The kind of snapped where you just don't give a damn any more. The kind when you look at the kids who are playing at the back of the class, as you are breaking your back giving them notes to help them pass their SPM; and you think to yourself, "I don't need this shit", and just walk away, without a word.
No rage. Just utter disappointment, in the kids you're trying to help, and also in yourself.
I thought I'm so over this phase. But judging from the other seasoned teachers who refuse to enter class, burst into tears at the staffroom or you know, who just don't give a fuck any more, 'coz like, why try so hard when the kids themselves don't care - it looks like you'll never, ever get used to incorrigible spawns of the devil kind of students. You do learn to be more patient each day, but for every time you practice patience, it just eats you inside. You're just buying time until you become hollow inside, and break. If you don't break, you must be a classroom management god, or just someone who is dead inside and do not give a single fuck any more.
After my dramatic exit that day, I thought I too had died inside. I was still determined to enter class, ('coz it's a mortal sin to not enter class) but without teaching that bastard class, like, till their exam. Fuck their SPM. They don't care about it, so why should I, right? Why am I hurting my feet standing on my 5" heels writing down notes on the white board for them?
Fortunately, or unfortunately, my Jiminy Cricket reminded me that in that be-damned class, there ARE still kids who want to make it. I decided I'll just save my ultimate zero-fuck-given weapon of mass destruction for a better day.
So now, 3 weeks more closing into their exam that will determine their fate - whether they'll become rich and successful, or to be the scum under the shoes of the rich and successful, there's only about half of them left in my class. Only those who seek success shall enter. And those who have scorned me are banished forever. If you have never been a teacher before, you'd think what I'm doing is wrong. That I'm supposed to motivate these kids, yada yada. Well fuck you, I don't care any more. Yes, part of me has died. But the other part of me still lives for the kids who want to learn.
At this point, I will stab anyone who dares to tell me that being a teacher is easy.
On a recent exam:
I feel you kid. So here's an A+ for you.
at 5:51 AM