Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Konsep Guru Penyayang: Love Thy Students And Spareth The Rod

Our Malaysian Ministry of Education has come up with ANOTHER new concept to be launched and applied in schools.

Konsep Guru Penyayang.  It basically means we have to be 'caring' towards our kids.

But hey, isn't busting our asses doing everything we can to help our kids considered 'caring'? Sacrificing our free time to assist and coach them, giving them sound advices, instilling moral values and teaching them consequences of their action?

Apparently, that isn't enough.

Tomorrow, as the 'new concept' is launched nationwide, we teachers have to go to school half an hour earlier, stand by the main gate and greet our students with bright smiles.  We then give them mass-produced bookmarks to show that we care, even to students who don't give a damn about studying, and then we as class teachers have to award our students tokens of appreciation for whatever good things they do like, do well in exams, excel in sports or probably just for showing up in a uniform.

Basically, starting from tomorrow, we have to be nice.  Because we have to show these attention seeking children that we care.

Translation = No more yelling, nagging and awesome, creative punishments.

Just. Pure. Love.

...And that's when the sarcasm comes rolling in.  I adore how cynical my colleagues are, old and new.

When our kids enter class, we must greet them, fix their tie, and give them a pat on the back.  Also, pull out their seats for them, all 40 of them.

When our kids are rude at us, we must speak as softly and motherly/fatherly as possible.  Even if they spat you on the face.  Ignore the spit running down your face and just smile as sweetly as possible.

We musn't cane our kids, make them stand up throughout the period, or kick them out of the class, and of course, bags shouldn't be flying out of the class anymore.

If our kids decide to sleep in class, hell, let them be! Provide them with a pillow.  Wipe their stinking drool.  They must be tired doing their homeworks all night, right?

If our kids decide to key our car, provide them with spray cans.  You could use a new paintjob.

If our kids challenge our authority, back down.  Apologise profusely.

If our kids break any rules, we don't have to proceed with any punishments at all.  We should just hug them, tell them it's okay, and most importantly, tell them we love them no matter what.

Wow, with such concept, students will finally have a conducive learning environment!  How can they not get 21 A+s or finally be literate when there's no more punishment and yelling, but just heaps of love and care?  What's not to LOVE about this concept?

Now excuse me as I have to prepare a red carpet and a banner to welcome my kids to school tomorrow.  And by George, there will be fireworks too. 

Don't forget to replace bullets with paper hearts.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Absolutely Wicked HAS BEEN TROLOLOED!

Yes, we have been trolled.

I notice this when I updated my post recently.  This is a screencap from my Shoutbox.  And it was as recent as a week ago.  I have now disabled my Shoutbox because I'm afraid my readers would think I'm a bisexual sex maniac.

I'm sorry to ruin your fantasies readers, but as you can see the above, I don't do those shit.  But I have to admire this troll.  When I clicked 'my' name, it traced back to MY e-mail.  So he or she must've been my jilted or burned no.1 fan 'coz he or she knows my e-mail.

Bet you're wondering how I'm going to respond to this. Well, since it is Lent, sorry to disappoint you, 'coz I'm turning the other cheek.  I made a pact with God to be nicer this month.  So here's an open letter for him/her.

Dear Troll Who Assumed My Identity To Make Me Look Like A Nympho (thanks, but some people already see me as one, don't know where they get that idea from),

I have only three things to say to you. 

1. Thank you for the blog traffic.  You don't know how much it means to me.
2. You should know by now I'm a Grammar Nazi.  You can do better!
3. Find me on Facebook.  Add me. I'd like to us to be friends.  You are going to be first person to give a toast during my wedding reception.

Hope you're reading this.  And I hope I can hear from you soon :).

P/s: Shoutbox is crap.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Victory Vs Experience

It's that time of the month again where it's most chaotic in school. 

Sports, tournaments and competitions going on one after another, and even going on simultaneously.  Which also equals to overtime, headache, sleep deprivation, lessons postponing and blog abandoning.

And once again, I'm handling the debate team for my school. 

Though my team managed to get to the semis, or how I'd like to put it, second runner up in last year's competition, I don't particularly live for debates.  The discussion's fun, and most of the time I forgot I'm a teacher who should sit properly instead of sitting cross-legged on a chair and making inappropriate jokes, but my true passion is in drama.  We're sitting out the drama competition again this year, but even if we are participating next year, I'm never going to get the chance to handle it 'coz I'll be forever known as the debate teacher : / . Unless there's a new suckling I can bully.  I mean pass down my knowledge and experience.

So talking about experience.  I suddenly had this epiphany while I was writing my students' debate scripts.

I realised what I was doing was wrong.  Maybe it was my 'teacher-ly' insticts.  Or maybe it was the fact that I was dying inside to watch all nine of my queued up downloaded TV shows but I couldn't 'coz I have to finish writing those damn scripts.

Yeah, should be the former.

Anyways.  I was so bend on making sure my kids would make it to the finals this time, I suffered mental exhaustion writing ALL their scripts within a very limited time, and worst of all, I took away half of their learning experience.

It was selfish of me to think that I am doing them a favor preparing them well written, Grammar Nazi- approved scripts without giving them the chance to learn to write their own.

Then I looked at the teachers around me.

I see my colleagues doing the same thing.

Finding, preparing and typing out public speaking and choral speaking scripts.

Going great lengths decorating classes to make sure their class is chosen as the weekly winners.  Like, serious length.  Think new paints and English style decorations.

And I'm pretty sure the primary school teachers went all out decorating their home banners to make sure they win in the Sport's Day march parade.

Or how about parents who help out in their kid's school project so that they would win?

I know we mean well and we want victory for our kids, but are we really doing the right thing?

Shouldn't we allow them to do things on their own, and get a taste of victory on their own effort, which is so much sweeter?  Shouldn't we allow them to learn from failure, even if we know they stand no chance in winning in the first place?

We know victory is important for a kid, but we as teachers, parents or mentors are suppose to be guiding them, and not doing the work for them.  It teaches them valuable lessons, plus we will have all the time we need to watch all  our favourite downloaded shows.

Due to this realisation, I am not hoping so much victory, let alone making it through the prelimenaries.  But all I hope is that they learn something from all our discussions and gain the valuable experience of being a debator, something I myself don't have.

So let me ask you, if you're a teacher, a parent or someone who will definitely want to have spawns of their own someday:

Would you take away a kid's learning experience to make sure they win, or allow them the learning experience even though you know they will lose?

Don't answer that if you have tiger blood.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Happy Valentine's Day Lovers! Hope you survive it!

The day of love has finally arrived!

Also, the day for disappointment for not getting those big ass flowers 'coz your poor darling can't afford it even though you have reminded him everyday to save up since last July, hence a stupid fight, hence a horrible, unnecessary break up.

Also, the day when singletons pretend to be happy by going out with their buddies, endlessly convincing strangers that they do not need anyone to feel happy, but later when they reach home, they weep quietly eating a bucket of ice cream, scrolling their Facebook for fellow Forever Aloners to not feel that bad about themselves.

Also, the annual only-in-Malaysia Christian bashing by certain dumb, ignorant quarters on how Valentine's is a Christian thing where God allows us to have dirty pre-marital sex for just this one special day, in order to prevent our Muslim friends from doing similarly.

So basically, it's the same shit all over again, year to year, yet here we are, posting about Valentine's Day - whether to wish our loved ones, to go all passive aggressive on things we didn't receive, to post quotes about how being single rocks, or to post news and "historical" links to prohibit others to not partake in this sinful Christian celebration.

14th February only happens once a year.  No wonder people go nuts about it.

So Happy Valentine's Day, people. 

*It means I care about people who read this blog, and I'm not going to preach Jesus' teaching nor do I intend to sleep with you.  Unless you're Ian Somerhalder. 

Hope there'll be no hearts broken by tonight.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Frequently Asked Questions About Teachers On Google

People ask a bunch of shit about teachers.  But the Internet takes the cake.

And here's a collection of frequently asked questions about English teachers.

With these kinds of questions, I'm sure you know the answer for the first and the last question from the above screen cap.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

17 Ways Girls Fake Pretty

So you finally got a hot babe in your arms.  Like, a ten.  Flawless skin, rosy cheeks and lips, breasts and ass you can snuggle into, and basically the frame of Sofia Vergara.

But I hate to break it to ya, you will wake up to a whole different person the next morning.  Stop rubbing your eyes in hopes she'd magically turn into a ten again.  Just. Run.

Because girls have mastered the art of faking pretty.  I know I did.

While some of us do not have the luxury and the balls to resort to plastic surgery, we find affordable, effective, albeit temporary alternative ways to fix every insecurities we have and look damn good.

I know some girls are blessed with naturally good looks, but it's bull if they don't make at least one effort to look pretty too.  They may not have to wear makeup, but they still have to shave their armpits, don't they? That's nothing natural about that.

It may or may not be an insecurity problem or a cry for attention - putting on a brick of make up or stuffing boxes of tissues into a bra, but for me, these are called 'enhancements' and we vain creatures always want to look pleasant.  Like wearing a tie to an interview.  You wanna look good and presentable.  Or cheap and trashy.  Depending on the occasion.

So guys, when you're out on a date with a Megan Fox, do notice these 17 things that she might've done to create that illusion.

And girls, be proud of your Faking It skills and tell me which ones you are guilty of!

1. Dying hair other colours than your natural hair colour, covering up gray hair included, 'coz you're not Katy Perry.

2. Using extensions or weave to create instant long and thick hair, 'coz you just can't wait another 6 months to let your hair grow naturally.

3. Using foundation and concealer to even out skin tone and cover blemishes, 'coz you're just plain ugly without it.

4. Clever shading of the face to create slimmer face, high cheek bones, etc, 'coz Tyra Banks said high cheek bones are very model-y.

5. Injecting face with Botox, vitamin C and other questionable crap to fill out wrinkles, to create perpetual blushing cheeks.

6. Trimming eyebrows and filling it in with makeup, 'coz people are unkind to those with unibrows.

7. Putting mascara or wearing false lashes to lengthen or volumise eyelashes, 'coz you secretly admire Mr Snuffleupagus.

8. Putting on eye makep to make eyes look bigger, 'coz what God gave you isn't enough.

9. Using eyelid stickers to create the illusion of double eyelids meant for Asians, especially.

10. Using coloured contact lenses to create creepy alien bug eyes.

11. Putting on blusher to create rosy cheeks 'coz you're the type that just won't blush no matter how badly you want to.

12. Wearing lipstick, 'coz you look like you've just gone through chemo.

13. Wearing perfume to mask your natural body odour, 'coz whoever said that your natural body odour is what makes people attracted to you, here, smell my sticky, sweaty armpits after a workout.  SMELL IT I SAY!

14. Wearing padded bra, wonder bra, silicone bra or inserting slabs of chicken fillet into your bra so that men can finally notice your chest instead of your face for once.

15. Wearing a girdle, or other constricting device to make last night's sorry evidence of a McDonald's binge to look as if it never happened.

16. Wearing padded panties, or this time inserting slabs of meat of an unknown beast you got from that friendly butcher in your underpants, 'coz you can make adjustments when you have decided whose ass is comically bigger, Kim K's or J.Lo's.

17. Wearing high heels, 'coz you have dwarf genes.

Now you can play Guess What She Fakes with your head on your first date :D

 'Coz you really do not want to be in this situation.

P.p.s: Girls, did I miss out anything?