When I turned One (as in teaching for one year), I posed this question to myself: Do I enjoy being a teacher?
At that time, I couldn't give you a straight answer.
But now I can. And I have a confession to make.
Today, as previous weeks depression sets in coupled with Mr. Monday Blues, I totally skipped my weakest class and I procastinated going to my second weakest class. Then I gave a hard look at my kids' sleepy faces and half ass attempt in doing their work.
It dawned upon me.
I hate my job.
There. I said it.
It could be the demotivation talking, but as for now, this is what I'm feeling.
I mean,'coz if I enjoy my job, I'd get excited when Monday comes and I'd be full of sunshine and won't let anything get me down.
But all I can think of today is anticipating the moment when the clock strikes 12.20 p.m.
And thinking tomorrow is another day of futile battle, teaching 16 year old kids numbers.
The only thing that keeps me going are my Science and Account classes. 'Coz even though they are weak, they are still within my reach.
I hate being unable to teach the weak ones, but I have no qualms teaching the good ones.
So that makes me a bad teacher. For wanting ONLY the good classes, for wanting ONLY to focus on the smart ones.
Which goes totally against what I believe - that every child deserves the best education and attention, not just the smart ones. Why do the smart kids need to go to smart schools when they are already smart? It's the weak ones that need the best teachers and facilities. It's the sick that needs a doctor the most.
My money now is nowhere near my mouth.
I was probably just so naive. I didn't think that some of the sick choose not to get treated.
I'm not as awesome as I think I am. 'Coz if I were awesome, I can make classroom magic in ANY classes.
But I know I'm not alone in this.
We're fighting a losing battle everyday. But we just have to suck it up till we find a way out. Or we wait for the system to finally not produce messed up products.
They say what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.
Pessimistic Amanda would say, "What doesn't kill you will only make you jaded."
Happy Monday people.
5 more days till the weekend.