Thursday, September 30, 2010

My First Vlog! And it's wicked!


Wickedly gross that is!

Like you don't know me! :D

And you're gonna see it in HD!

Sorta.



No matter how much, you think it is, NO, I DIDN'T JUST SLATHER CUM ON MY FACE AND POST IT ON YOUTUBE SO THAT I WOULD GET 33 MILLION HITS LIKE I PLANNED TOO.

But anyways, I'm loving my new toy. :D
 
Now to wash off the remaining booger on my face...

Saturday, September 25, 2010

With First Salary, Comes Great Indulgence


With great powers, comes great responsibility.

And with first salary, comes great indulgence.

People, I present to you my latest addition for more vanity and self-indulgence.


Now I can take videos of random funny/cute/gross/psychedelic stuff and put it on Youtube - with hopes of getting 33 million hits, getting it auto-tuned and eventually winning the top spot in the I-Tunes chart.

Nah, I'm kidding.  Kinda.

And please don't ask me why don't I get a DSLR instead.  It's annoying.

I know EVERYONE is lugging those big ass cameras these days and it makes you look cool and 'professional' till people find out that you only use the automatic function.

I'm not into photography, unless if I'm in it. 

And finally, with your first salary, comes great responsibility too.

In which I failed to control myself.


Why do sales assistants have to be so damn convincing?  I only wanted one item out of the four... : /

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE!


Coz...


I GOT MY FIRST SALARY! 

This DEFINITELY trumps all the shitty things that happened in school, including the kid who ate his exercise book.

Bliss.

Money do buy happiness.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

There's 5 More Cute-Proof Poses For Your Facebook! (So Nobody Remembers Friendster Anymore And All Are In Facebook...But So Are Your Parents!)


What, there's MORE you ask?

OF COURSE THERE'S MORE!

We ABSOLUTELY have to reach that 5000 friends limit in our Facebook, right?!

Strangers, rapists, killers, pedophiles, hobos, and toe fetishes HAVE to be added on our Facebook!

But why would they wanna add you if you're not cute, right?

Especially if Lesson 1 and Lesson 2 didn't help you at all - it's your bad, not mine!

So here I am, to help you once again, my dear friend who has insecurity issues.

1. The Bieber Pose


- Pout your lips and squint your eyes a bit to achieve that fierce, I-want-to-eat-you-up look.
- Do a Peace sign and put it near your face like in the previous tutorials. Now turn it upside down.
- Grab a your little brother's cap and cock it to the side.
- Gym clothes are preferable for this shot.

**I learned this pose when I started mixing with a bunch of hormonally-charged sixteen year old girls. This pose is really named the "Bieber". Or rather, they named it and made me do it when we pose for our class photo. Now this is a rare pose, and you probably never see anyone do this for their profile picture, but the reason I'm guiding you on how to this is simply because...WHO DOESN'T LOVE A 20 YEAR OLD LESBIAN?! *SQUEAL!*

And since she is so hot since Ellen Degeneres, you must know how to do this, especially when you're fishing for some pussy love.

2. The I-Smell-Roadkill Pose


- Go take a drive around town, or preferably at the outskirts of town.
- Chances are you will find something dead on the road.
- Take a big sniff of it and flash the camera at your disgusted face.
*If there's no roadkill to be found, make one. Remember that neighbour with their annoying chickens pooping at your driveway?
*If you're generally a nice person, just scrunch your nose and lips together.

Okay, for the next poses, you have to go back and review the guide that I gave you previously. 'Coz the next three poses are like, the Level 3 of the basic poses.

Done?

Let's go.

3. The Japanese-Girl-Ghost-Who-Just-Wanted-To-Be-Loved Pose


- You will need a pair of contact lenses that makes your iris as huge as a motherfucker.
- Strike ANY of the poses that you have learned.
- If contact lenses are not available, use MS Paint to recreate that 'big eye' look.
*certain MS Paint skills needed

4. The Blurred Pose



- Strike ANY of the poses that you have learned.
 - You will need certain skills in Adobe Photoshop.
- As long as you know how to blur a photo, you're good to go.

5. The Artsy-Photo Pose


- Now this pose needs more work done. More skills on Adobe Photoshop are needed.
- Strike ANY of the poses that you have learned.
- Misspell all the words that you want to use e.g. Girl - Gurl.
- Add stuffs that are not on your face e.g. ribbons, blushing cheeks.
- Most importantly, go ape wild with the colour pink.
- Wearing the 'big eyes' lenses is definitely a plus.
- Or just go to MS Paint.

**Hot tip: Knowledge is power. Master your Photoshop skills for more photos that don't look like you, AT ALL!

So peeps, do let me know if this guide has been any help to you at all. Oh wait, I'll probably just read about you in the papers when you get murdered or something by a creepy guy you met on Facebook :)

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Finally, a room I can gloat about


For the past six years, I'd been away from home most of the time.

The only time I got to sleep on my own bed in my own bedroom in my own house was during holidays.

A month the longest, a week the shortest.

Living in a hostel was something really new to me, and something I really had to get used to, and eventually, I settled.


Carrying your toiletries to the common bath, cursing when you forgot something, glaring at the person who brushes her teeth too long when you're already late to class, dropping your underwear into the coverless drain hole while hoping no one would notice a panty floating across their cubicle and that it won't block the sewerage system, and cringing when you farted too loud while pooping last night's dinner especially when you know someone is waiting in line.

Not that it happened to me.  Maybe.

So going back home every holiday was a bliss to me.  I didn't have to carry my toiletries to the bathroom and I could just walk around with my towel on.  No one judges you when you fart outloud at home.

I missed my room no matter what a mess it looked like.


Even though it became a storeroom when I'm not around.  Granted my mom removed the stuff and made it looked like how it was the last time I left.  Including the occasional furniture stuffed in my room to make more space in the living room.


But those times are over.

We've moved out from our cramped housing area.

I get to wake up in my room 365 days a year, so I figured, my new room HAS to be swell.

No more junks under my bed, and no more hoarding.


People, I present to you...my new room!

Colour scheme inspired by...

You're welcome, boys.

Back to my room.  Sorry, no more bikini photos.

My most expensive favourite part of the room


Custom made desk where I pick my whiteheads

Custom made wardrobe where I hid a couple of bodies keep the rest of my junks

I won't be getting married and moving out so soon with a bedroom like this.

Unless I have reached my breaking point being awaken by crowing roosters and hens on labour every three o'clock in the morning.

Friday, September 3, 2010

I'm a sandwich


Graduation.

A one in a lifetime experience.

Especially if you're too comfortable with your work life and you think your brain is too rusty to further your study or get a second degree.

So yes, it is a one in a lifetime experience.

People, I will soon graduate.

But it sucks when your course is identified as a particular kind of food.

See, the exact name of my course is Bachelor of Education in Teaching English as a Second Language (Twinning programme).

Twinning programme means I get to study in a teacher's training institute AND university.

We were supposed to do our two-year foundation course in a teacher's training institute, and spend the next four years doing our degree in university.

But some genius up there decided to make us:
- do our foundation and first year degree in the institute (Johor Bahru)
- do our sophomore and junior year in university (Selangor)
- and go back to the institute AGAIN for our final year. (Johor Bahru)

How utterly convenient.

Hence for graduation we are listed as...

 Photo courtesy of a very disgruntled SOB friend of mine

Yes, a fucking SANDWICH.  And yet there's the keyword 'Program Berkembar' at the last page of the letter.  But no, they thought it would be funny to list us a a fucking mayo and egg sandwich.  And they must've forgotten to edit the letter before posting it out on the internetz.

So on the day of graduation, I'll probably look like this:


Nevertheless, be it ham or tuna, I AM SUPER PSYCHED!