Friday, January 29, 2010

To all Malaysians heading to Singapore via Woodlands Checkpoint


Now Malaysia can rightfully claim their very own joke:

Welcome to Singapore. Do not burn CHURCHES here

Comedy Central, here we come!

Go 1Malaysia!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Sub zero oppression. Isn't it just awesome to be a TESLian?


The government and banks freeze your bank account for these four main reasons:
  1. You fucking owe them money.
  2. You're serving time in jail.
  3. There's been an identity theft. Either you have been theft or, you are the thief.
  4. You suddenly made RM500k in an hour from your newfangled internet investment scam.
Let's see. I'm trying to recall whether I've heard anyone in my TESL groups (mine and the juniors) have committed such crime. Let me check their Facebook walls.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Clean. Just a little bit of profanities here and there. And too much Farmville.

Then I see no reason why our 7th semester's RM4.2K allowance has been frozen.

Sorry, my bad. I should've mentioned. BSN and Bahagian Pendidikan Guru's hands are clean.

They delivered the money, as promised in our 6 years course agreement.

The almighty powerful beings up there probably fell asleep on the job and couldn't bank in our rightfully owned money. Hey wait, they did give all the courses their allowances. Except for the TESL group though. I guess they fell asleep after banking in everyone else's money.

Oh wait, I forgot. Jeez, how could I forget that there was a reason for freezing only the TESL group's allowance?

Your whole semester's allowance will be frozen until we've decided whether you are eligible or not to claim your so-called mini research paper that is worth RM300. Until then, you may continue eating recycled paper as RM630 000 worth of 150 students' allowance swim in our account. In the meantime, this admin building looks like it is in need of new paint, no? And ooh, let's make more unnecessary bus stands...

And the oppression and discrimination towards TESLians just got ten levels higher.

It was low enough when you check on our attendance every Monday assembly and leave the other courses unchecked because their records are immaculate and because we are just too awesome for your liking.

But freezing our allowance and robbing us from our basic fucking right as scholarship students - now that's sub zero low.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

How To Use The Word "Bah"


Dear Sabahan friends, I'm sure most of you experienced this before - met a Peninsular person, and once he or she knows you're from Sabah, they'll go "Oh, Sabah! Apa khabar bah?"

Not only it makes you cringe, but you'll also feel like dying out of embarrassment for that person as you answered an OK with a plastic smile.

Seriously Peninsular people, don't ever, EVER try to use the word "bah" on a Sabahan if you don't know its lexical usage. You won't sound funny, smart nor endearing. You'll just sound like a total idiot.

So just in case you still insist to be a smart Alec when meeting a Sabahan for the first time, let me at least save you the embarrassment by showing you how to say it right.

1. Bah, as an exclamation that means okay.
e. g. Wanna go have lunch? - Bah! Let me get my wallet first.

2. Bah, as a conjunction that has the same usage and meaning as so.
e.g. Bah, what time shall we leave then?

3. Bah, as an interjection:
(i) to stress about a particular object, situation or an imperative statement.
a) "Can't you see the word?! Ini bah, ini!" she said to him while practically poking the laptop screen.
b) Cepat sikit bah!

(ii) to show displeasure or anger.
e.g. Bah, kau jangan macam-macam sana. You fuck up and your ass is mine.

(iii) to introduce the subject first, before completing the sentence in a subject-verb-object form.
e.g. Si Ali (subject) bah, dia (subject) selalu korek (verb) hidung (object) while driving, kan?

As you can see, the word bah can be used regardless what language you want (Bah, voulez-vous coucher avec moir ce soir?).

I might missed out more ways to use it, so if you're a Sabahan accent grammarian, be my guest.

I think this would suffice though, for you Peninsular people so that you won't look like a douchebag when talking to us the first time.

And can you see clearly now how you butchered the "Apa khabar bah" sentence?

It's okay. We understand. We'll just try not to laugh.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The barbed wires are for who actually?


This is my institution's concrete fence.

Inside: Barbed-wired for students' safety

As you can see, it is heavily barbed-wired.

See, the safety of the students staying in the hostels is top priority. We do not want intruders to come breaking in our territory, do we?

But hey, wait a minute...

There's no barbed wires OUTSIDE the perimeter of the institution!


Outside: The barbed wires for students'...Where the fuck's the barbed wires?!

OH NOES!

I'm so confuse!

Are the barbed wires there to prevent weirdos to crash into our hostels?

OR, are the barbed wires there to prevent STUDENTS from making an escape on a Saturday night?

Perhaps students getting raped by outsiders are a waaay better worst-case-scenario than students getting hit by a car as they make their escape.

Monday, January 18, 2010

PANTS ON THE GROUND!!!


To those who haven't been watching American Idol Season 9, or been totally ignorant with the latest viral craze on the internet and entertainment world, I present to you, Mr. 'General' Larry Platt!


He is THE new William Hung.

And I swear to God he is THE most AWESOME 62 year old, EVER!

Why? He wrote a song about having your pants on the ground!

Pants on the ground
Lookin’ like a fool with your pants on the ground

With the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways
Pants hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat
Lookin’ like a fool, walkin’ to the town
With your pants on the ground!





I don't know why but who would ever thought of writing a song about your pants being on the ground?! And it comes with a dance too!

He did and that makes him LEGENDARY!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Why do people like to put their partner's I.C. photo in their wallet?


It's a question.

Not me being a smart ass to explain to you why.

'Coz I don't put my boyfriend's I.C. photo in my wallet. (sorry, babe - it's not like I don't love you less than those who do it)

'Coz I don't understand why they do so.

Really, why do they do that?

Do you put your boyfriend's/girlfriend's/husband's/wife's/lover's/fuckbuddy's/crush's identification card photo in your wallet?

Yeah, so you wanna see your lover's face every time you wanna pay for your groceries.

And yeah, so you want him/her to be close to your heart. To be more precise - close to your armpits (girls) and close to your butt (guys).

But why must it be a fucking formal photo of him/her?

Why can't it be a picture of him/her camwhoring, or a cut out of said partner taking a picture in front of the Sepilok Orang Utan Sanctuary signboard, smiling earnestly and wearing casual clothes?

Why must you have your partner's rigid face in your wallet?

Why?!

There are only two reasons I can think of for this befuddling act:
  1. In case you forgot your I.C. on a girls' night out, and you are suspected of being a prostitute from China working here illegally, you can show them that you are at least married to a Malaysian by showing your 'husband''s IC blue-background photo.
  2. Upon opening your wallet to pay for your RM300 sport shoes that you think is totally-rad-and-only-wear-it-when-your-three-other-new-sport-shoes-becomes-unwearable, looking at your girlfriend's unsmiling, rigid face reminds you that you're suppose to use that money to get her some Carlo Rinos to make up for calling her 'curvy'.

If you are carrying your partner's IC photo in your wallet and not your average fun day, casual kind of photo, what are YOUR reasons for doing so?

Enlighten me!

The 'Gentle Reminder'

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

How To Be Casted in Hairspray Without Using 5 Cans of Hairspray


This arrived today:


Wait for it...


BUMPITS!

Ok, it does sound and graphically look obscene, but it is pronounced as 'bump its' and not 'bum pits'. Bum pits...haha...


At first look it may look like some sexual torture device. Rest assured, it's not. It's not like I have any nasty kinky images going around in my head as I'm typing this.

They are as stated on the box, hair volumizing inserts.

With these babies, you don't have to spend an hour back combing and spraying your hair with cans of hairspray to achieve the volumized, bee hive hair look. Also, it will spare you from crying in the shower when you try in vain to untangle your hair with conditioner. And also spare 500,000 strains of healthy hair from being tugged out before its time.

In short, they are God's answer for thin, limped hair girls! Minus the labourious effort and tears!

Well, you could probably use them for an S&M night from time to time...Just remember to disinfect them. Thoroughly.

Anyways, I can have Amy Winehouse's hair from now on!


Ok, so not exactly like the rehaber's hair, but you get the point.


I still need to back comb my hair a bit, and use a spritz or two of hairspray. Minus the labourious effort and tears. Which is AWESOME. I didn't use spray nor back comb my hair in the picture above though. It's all grease. Yuck, I know.

And if you're interested in it (whether for your hair or other activities), you can find this person.

Hairspray Musical, here I come!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Haiku For The Effed Up Situation


She once swore to me,
"Mark my words, I will get you",
she was not lying.

So bury me now,
for I shall suffer her wrath,
- karma is a bitch.

What's a girl to do,
but some major sucking up,
Can I survive this?

Cheap pearls from Sabah,
over flattering statements,
- think I have a choice?

Or I could do this -
Be awesome and kick some ass,
And not kiss someone's.


Saturday, January 9, 2010

5 More Cute-Proof Poses For Your Facebook (And Your Friendster If You're Still On it. Seriously, Why Are You Still On It?!)


For those who have read my previous post on how to achieve deceivingly cute poses, and have tried it and now have about 1400 unknown friends on your Facebook, CONGRATS!

And for those who have tried it but failed to attract even the weirdest people on earth, fret not my failed friend.

I'm here to guide you on how to strike five more different cute poses!

1. The No-Lips Pose:


- Open your eyes as big as possible.
- Draw your eyebrows together to achieve a 'worried' face.
- Folds both your upper and lower lips in to create an illusion of being born without lips.

2. The Claw Pose:


- Open your eyes as big as possible.
- Remember the teach on The Horizontal Peace Sign Pose? It is similar. However, you need to hold your peace sign vertically, and crook it down. It must look like a 'claw'.
- Place it adjacent to your face.
- If you are not able to achieve the 'claw' by doing so, you may use your whole hand.
- Spread all your fingers and place your hand adjacent to your face.
- Now crook all your fingers down.
- Refer to Lady Gaga's Bad Romace video clip for more help on achieving 'the claw' for this pose.

3. The Duck Face Pose:


- Open yours eyes as big as possible.
- Tilt your head down a little bit.
- Tilt your head to the side.
- Push your lips outward so that it would look like a duck's bill.

4. The Joker On Botox Pose:


- This is a slightly difficult pose to pull.
- You'd need a small dose of Botox for this pose.
- Nah I'm kidding. Kinda.
- Contract your lower lips as far back as you can, inwards your cheeks.
- If your lower teeth can be seen, and your chin is slightly crinkled, you are on the right track.
- You may open your eyes as big as possible.
- You may also combine The Claw Pose or The Horizontal Peace Sign Pose with this look.

5. The Sunnies Pose:


- This is the easiest pose to strike.
- Just wear a pair of sunglasses and you're done.
- Make sure the sunglasses is huge enough to cover about one third of your face. This is to create an illusion that you are ten times cuter than you actually are; as people can't see how you actually look like.
- You may also combine The Claw Pose or The Horizontal Peace Sign Pose with this look.

**Hot tip: Having overly drawn eye-liners, huge incredibly fake false eyelashes and pink blushers that doesn't suit your skin tone will make you look oh-so-kawaii!

And there you have it! Good luck my previously failed friend! Hopefully this guide will help you make more unnecessary friends on Facebook!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Stop making God's tongue bleed!


When we're bickering over such a small matter that has been blown out of proportion, I'd like to think God is gargling salt water to ease His bitten tongue, every time we argue about His name.

Don't you think we should give Him a rest?

Every part of me is just dying to join the flame war. I want to, so badly.

But that's the whole point of a political diversion.

When you try to fix something that isn't broken, you tend to screw up and actually break it in the end. And you bring more trouble to yourself fixing the mess you made.

We weren't broken. We were just fine. We were even bestfriends, lovers and families.

It's their fault they screwed up in the first place.

And now they attempt to fix their mess.

By breaking us apart.

Pitting us against each other.

Making us flame each other on the internet, and eventually, literally setting an opponent's house of holy worship on fire.

So now we're broken. We can't even look at each other eye to eye, without thinking, how this party is going to destroy their generation's beliefs, and the other, thinking, how robbed of their constitutional rights they feel.

So are they happy now? Perhaps. At least they have something to fix, to compensate for their past screw ups.

Mission accomplished. But alas, there will be those patched up scars. And it's not a pretty sight.

So whose fault was that? Both you and I. For not ignoring the diversion.

So let's just leave God/Allah alone, aight? We can't judge each other based on man-made law or man-induced fear, to label each other right or wrong. Only He can do it, for duh, He IS God. Atheists, I don't know 'bout you guys...

And for those who bombed the churches and those who condone the act, and especially those who started all this mess in the beginning, well, God is fair.

Both yours and mine.

"n00bs..."

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Pros and cons of doing your teaching practical in an all girls smart school


So the school I got for my teaching practical is an ALL GIRLS SCHOOL. And it happens to be a cluster school - one of the top ranking schools in Johor Bharu.

Everyone seems to be dying to be in my place, as they said it's easier to teach smart students, and teaching only girls. It brings benefits to us female newbies who might feel more comfortable teaching the same sex, and benefits the guys in terms of...well, you know what.

Does it really benefit us, the fairer sex virgin teachers? Pardon the pun.

I've list out the pros and cons of teaching in a single sex smart school.

Pros:
  1. The students are smart. No need to explain to them what is 'underline' and 'circle'.
  2. Girls play nicer than boys. No monkeys running around your class.
  3. Easier to lay out lesson plan. Gender variable in designing lessons is limited to one sex.
  4. Easier to teach girls. No need to study about football and cars to appeal to the male students.
  5. No sexual harassment. No catcalls, ass-groping, skirt peeking, proposals etc.
Cons
  1. The students are smarter than you. Pray that you won't fuck up your spellings and pronunciations.
  2. Girls are meaner than boys. One word - Bitchez.
  3. Difficult to bribe with food. Unlike boys.
  4. Can't use 'nose bleed tactic' to get students' attention. Works on lesbos only though.
  5. No sexual harassment. No ego-boosting on a fat day.
So, what do you think? Am I really getting a good deal, or is it just too good to be true?

Monday, January 4, 2010

I'm back in JB and discovered that old habits die hard


So I'm back in my teacher's trainee institute.

And the year won't start fabulously without bashing my beloved college.

We had our first assembly this morning. Usually our Monday morning assembly is kept brief, as its sole purpose on earth is just to make students drag their feet on a dreadful Monday morning to the open hall, sing patriotic songs, and get scolded for whatever reasons they can hawk out from our groggy selves. Since it is a brief assembly, we don't mind standing mindlessly in the cold, wet morning for 15 minutes, 20 minutes tops. But due to the H1n1 outbreak last year and hot rumors that several students here were tested positive, they stopped having assemblies, as they have to think of their own safety I mean the other students' safety.

But today, we had our first assembly for the first time in many months. I guess the H1N1 outbreak has gone back to Mexico, and who cares about the second wave anyway? And the assembly turned into a full blown formal assembly, so yeah, we don't mind standing for one and a half hour listening to them yakking away about...yeah, I totally forgotten what the assembly was about.

Anywho, a new semester in this institute of learning does not start yet without introducing NEW DUMBFUCK RULES. YAY!

ALL STUDENTS ARE NOW REQUIRED TO WEAR A BLAZER EVERY MONDAY. You may rummage your old wardrobe for your old school prefect blazers, steal your kid brother's school prefect blazers, borrow your dad's, or beg your parents to give you money to buy a RM200 brand new blazer. 'Coz you know, looking good is important in this institute, and it doesn't matter if you sweat like a pig under that heavy coat in this awesome humid weather of ours. Oh yeah, before I forgot, your allowance will only come in next month. Good luck finding money to buy a blazer that most of the time doesn't come cheap that you will only wear once a week! And if you fail to comply, you know the drill ~ Uncle Disciplinary Action! Don't get us wrong - wearing blazers are the only way to show that we are pretentious suckers working for a firm I mean committed professional teachers. And another thing minions I mean students, DO NOT EVER CARRY THOSE CLOTH RECYCLE BAGS TO CLASS. It makes you look unprofessional, too broke to buy a decent school bag, and that you actually care for the environment.

I guess that's about it, before I shut my brain down during the morning assembly.

And this semester, we will only be taking two subjects.

Which we think was awesome.

Till we saw our inconveniently crammed up timetable.

We practically have to attend the two classes, every day, 9 hours each every week.

We had to do this as our finals will be on the first week of February, then it's practical time. More on that later.

We were pretty much brain saturated and exhausted to take in 3 hours of Poetry class in a day, what more if it's EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE WORKING WEEK? Jeezus. Just looking at the timetable could actually turn you bulimic.

But hey, at least we were greeted with sunshine as we got to our class.

A garish, eye-blinding newly painted building, that is.


The only time you can squint your eyes when there's no sunshine.

But some things never change.


I guess this is the best they could do since they've splurged on those dizzying, overwhelming-for-the-eyes paint.