Sunday, October 31, 2010

Starting this year, I'm hating on November

That's right people, starting this year, I'm hating November.

I used to love November.

End of school, holidays rolling in, and most of all, it's my birthday month.

But now I hate it.

'Coz it's exactly when the exams end.

And I hate marking exam papers.

I especially hate marking essays - retarded ones and Nobel Prize winners ones.

They give me migraine and I never have migraines before.

And they give me awesomely huge zits. (for crying out loud skin, I'm not fifteen anymore!)

I will just zone out for fifteen minutes if I mark more than five scripts continuously.

I also have paper works to do, and find athletes for sports day.  What!

All in less than a month.

I hate this part of my job.

Absolutely hate it.

I don't even have to time to write a wise ass post.

So here's a random picture of the day:

Don't you just feel like puking in your mouth?

I sure do.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

10 Things To Expect On Your Graduation Day

It's still graduation fever from where I come from.

So far I only graduated once - twice if you count kindergarten in; but I'm cocky enough to think I have enough knowledge to share about the things to expect on your graduation day with those who haven't graduated.

No matter where you graduate, and what you graduate from, it will probably be the same. I think.

So here goes:

1. You will be asked to stand in lines outside the hall before entering under the sweltering sun. Hence, you will sweat like a pig. Like, sweat trickling down your thighs sweat. Like, completely dry outside yet completely drenched inside sweat. Like, Hurricane Katrina under your armpits and your armpit hairs are desolately drowning sweat. You get the idea.

2. Your mortar board (cap) will only stay put for a minute, 3 minutes tops. So prepare hair clips. Guys, that includes you. Unless you have rock hard hair gel. Or glue.

(Dude's smirking like that 'coz I googled this pic from a sex costume site. I wonder what he's graduating at. Or on. Or in.)

3. You can't bring anything into the hall. No handbags and that includes your handphones. But you must have your handphone for dear life (this will be explained soon). So where to put your handphone you ask? In your bra. Really. I did that. No I didn't get turned on when it vibrated. Guys, uh, put it in your...uh, oh yeah, I forgot you got pockets. Right, put it in your pockets. That's exactly what I wanted to say before I lost my train of thoughts.

Mine was bra, not cleavage. If you can tell the difference.

4. You will be asked to NOT bring your cameras and handycams and they will threaten you with all sorts of things to make sure you don't. But screw them. Bring it. What, they dare to confiscate a camera from an old, frail, teary eyed lady proud of their son/daughter who just wanted to immortalise her proudest moment? That being, you have to remind your mom to be exactly like that lady just in case they do want to confiscate those stuffs. But seriously, every parent will not give a shit with such rules, so yeah, just bring 'em.

5. You will most probably be separated with your besties. Especially if all of you don't come at the same time.

6. The moment that you have been waiting for all your life, the years of shedding blood, sweat and tears completing overdued assignments and sucking up to your lecturers, and blowing a few hundred bucks on graduation studio photos with a pompous-looking frame - all of these - and you will only spend three to five seconds when walking across the stage to receive your scroll. That's it. A lifetime achievement for just a few seconds.

7. And oh, you will probably be accompanied by THE most inappropriate songs. I pity those graduates who received their scroll with Barry Manilow's Copacabana song playing.

Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl
With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there
She would merengue and do the cha-cha
And while she tried to be a star, Tony always tended bar
Across a crowded floor, they worked from 8 till 4
They were young and they had each other
Who could ask for more?

At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)
The hottest spot north of Havana (here)
At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana
Music and passion were always the fashion
At the Copa....they fell in love

I wanted to weep for them. But then the song got stuck in my head. Till now. Copacabana!

Congratulations, darling!

8. Whilst enjoying your five seconds of proud moment on stage, you will forget that there are cameras at the end of stage waiting to snap you with your eyes half closed and sell it to you for fifty bucks. So be alert of the cameras and smile at them to get your money's worth.

9. You will lose your parents once the event is over. Hence, the handphone in the bra/pocket will come in handy. However, their phones will still be in silent mode so yeah, you're gonna feel like crying when you see other graduates get hugs from their parents and you're still one lost lamb.


10. You will lose your coursemates. Finding your parents is one thing, finding your fifty coursemates is another. So good luck in getting a class graduation photo. Obviously, I missed out on that :/

So there you go, the ten things to expect on your graduation day, the do's and the don't's.

Here's an addition to this list.

You will definitely want to have that graduation-cap-on-the-air shot. But I'm telling ya, it's not that easy to get.

Here's something I that shows my narcissistic endeavours compiled that explains why:

So people, those who have already graduated years ago, you must be reminiscing more on your graduation rather than focusing on this post; and those who will graduate soon or ten years from now, hope this will be a guide for you so that you'll have a perfect one.

Mine was a little less perfect, and there's nothing I can do to change it even if I photoshop a meme of myself in my classmates' graduation photo, but having all my loved ones with me to carry my stuff and to yell around to celebrate one of my greatest moments in life is what counts.

So, how was your graduation?

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I don't conform. Unless those cars run on water. Maybe.

I was advised on getting the Malaysia-Boleh-made Myvi.

It's pretty (for them), cheap and economical (maybe).

But honestly, I HATE IT.

Yeah, you can scream "Haters gonna hate!" at me if you love it or own one.

It's absolutely fug, but most of all, it is driven by A LOT OF TEACHERS.

Yes, that is an absolutely ridiculous idea to hate on a car.

I just don't conform. And I don't want to conform. Even if it runs on water. Wait, hm....

Anyway, I did almost consider on getting the pink one.

Just because I was desperate for freedom, peer/family pressure, and a small salary.

But I stuck with my principle. Or rather, I bought a handycam and blew the remaining on my family's flight tickets to go see me walk across the stage for six seconds to get my scroll.

So they told me, "How about getting a Honda City or Vios? Less teachers drive those."

True, but it still has conformity written all over it.

Think of all the people in suits and ties going to work at 8 and trying to beat the jam at 5.


You must be thinking, "Bitch, what the hell you want then? A fucking sports car?"

Uhuh. I want a fucking sports car.

Hell, I'll wait till I make enough dough even if it's gonna take 10 years (I'll be a MILF by then).

No matter how inconvenient or fuel consuming it is. ('Course I know that! Sorta.)

Or even if it's just pre-loved and as old as my mom.

I want one.

But even if I do end up with a 'teacher's' car, I'm gonna modify the fuck out of it. That was my initial plan anyway.

A cousin of mine from Teh Tarik Memoirs personally told me that my dreams will just shrivel and die - just like his.

Oh we'll see.

But of course, you, my readers, will have the royal honour of laughing at my face (or post) and post comments like "I told you so!" if ever I get that pink Myvi.

*P/S: Guys, it is a wishful thinking, and an expensive AND delusional one, but if you know anyone or anywhere that sells a second hand of the sports cars above (except the Lambo though - I know my delusional limits) at a price that can be afforded by a teacher with a measly, just-own-a-generic-local-car-damnit salary, do let me know. No shit.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I Made It

People, I made it.

6 years was an effing long time.  In the back of my head, I feared I wouldn't make it.

Failing, getting hit by a bus leaving me paralysed, getting knocked  up etc. No offense to anyone who were.

But I made it.

Got my opera house curtains of a robe that made me look more like a gospel singer. Praise the Lord!

Went all Gradzilla trying to settle everything and everyone to make sure everything is perfect.

Took my graduation photo in a studio with an uptight photographer.

Got all drenched with sweat, not to mention sticky armpits in the parade.

Walked across the stage to get my scroll without tripping. 

Joined the other thousands of graduates who couldn't find their parents and coursemates.

But found them anyway and threw our mortar boards in the air.

And took more photos at my faculty and what not.

Not forgetting my parents while I was at it.

And finally, got my scroll.

And went home with it like a proud madafaka.

Damnit, I fucking made it.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Gone Graduating

Bitchez, I'll be gone for a week.

To receive my long awaited scroll.

Hopefully I won't trip and fall.

But if I do, that'd be epic.

And hopefully they won't give me a sandwich while they're at it.

But if they do, it better look something like this:

With extra cheese, please.

Then I'll be a proud ass graduate when I come home.

Hence the end of this unintended graduation poem.