Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Gay Test


So you have a girlfriend and love doing 'stuffs' with her. But you ABSOLUTELY LOVE Bruno?

So you love to shop and love the feel of lipgloss on your lips. But why does Bruno give you nightmares?

So you secretly think to yourself. Am I...Could it be? But how? My girlfriend...Bruno...

Fret not my confused, in denial, probably closeted friend. There is a way to know. And it is scientifically proved.

It's the finger theory.


If your ring finger is longer than your index finger, chances are you're a barbaric, meat eating, beer guzzling straight man.

And if your ring finger is shorter than your index finger, you're probably gay. Better come out now.

This rule probably applies to women, only it's the opposite. Straight women should have gay hands, vice versa.

Are you checking your fingers now? Trying hard to stretch your ring finger to make it longer than your index finger? Think it's BS 'coz no matter how hard you try, it's still shorter?

Well, here's a whole article to upset you. And there's more than the finger theory.

But today we're just gonna focus on your dainty fingers and here's a summary of it from Cracked.com:

Incredibly, this is a real thing. It's called digit ratio theory and multiple studies have confirmed it.
Apparently if you have a longer ring finger, it means you got more testosterone as a fetus and are more likely to be hyperactive, aggressive and disgusted by anything featuring Hugh Grant.

A longer index finger, on the other hand, means more estrogen, making you more neurotic and sensitive. So if your index finger is way longer than your ring finger, you're like the gayest dude ever, right?

Actually, no. Studies found that it was when the two fingers were nearly the same length that the subjects were more likely to be gay (men and women both). Why? You'll have to ask the scientists, it's technical. What we do know is a study from Rutgers looking at finger lengths in lesbians even found a noticeable difference between the "butch" ladies who drive trucks and wear flannel and the more feminine lesbians who tend to populate your fantasies.

***

So... Does this help you lift a big burden off your shoulders for secretly wanting to touch Hugh Jackman's wolverinized body, when it's only a case of manly, testosterone-charged hero worship?

Or does it finally give you the freedom to wear pink and order a margarita openly?

Or...do you feel like you want to shrivel up and die?

Whatever the case, you know who and what you are and no stupid research article from the internet can tell you otherwise.

But then again...


Saturday, September 19, 2009

A crude welcome


*Warning: Gross images follow. Grosser than writer's toes.

So after much swearing and having the desire to bite people's head off when it was announced that my 2115 flight had been delayed till 2220 (the original flight time was 1820 for Zeus' sake!), I finally reached my KK home about a quarter to two in the morning. Tired, eyes sore from my contacts, still hating Airasia and the idiots that I encountered, all I wanted was to dispose my contact lenses, take a hot shower and plonk myself on my bed.

Till I saw another act of idiocy right on the first flight of stairs going up to my apartment.

People littering is one dumb thing.

People littering something they SHOULDN'T litter in public is another.

Not cigs!
What the eff?!

WHAT THE EFF?!

A case of 'wham bam thank you ma'am' at my apartment block?

A not so funny prank as my parents were right behind me and I had to run up a few flights up 'coz I don't wanna be at the same spot with them with a sexual realia (and used ones! *cringe*) standing between us (awkward!)?

Great. My apartment is full of kinky horndogs who don't clean up after. This is what I'm coming home to. See, I don't mind them being kinky - they can do it on the Astro satellite dish (except for ours!) for all I care, if only they clean up the mess! What on earth is a father going to tell her six year old daughter about that transparent long balloon thingy? What if she picks it up and starts blowing air into it before her father could beat her to it?! THE HORROR!

However, if you look closely, there's no man juice in it. So, it's either a nasty prank, or it was a one-sided happy ending(s). Poor guy. Whatever. IDIOTS!

Monday, September 14, 2009

How to Use The Word "Suck" In University Context


Some people might think that the word "suck" is rude, and maybe even offensive. But it is still a good English word that can convey our thoughts and emotions. But they don't teach you this in school as your teacher will get sued in court for misconduct in teaching ethics. But learning English is learning English.

So here's a guide on how to use the word "suck" in a university context:

1. Sucks (verb) : Used to say that something is very bad.
e.g . My lecturer sucks.


2. Sucker (noun) : Used to refer in a general way to person or thing, especially for emphasis.
e.g. I wish I could just set that sucker on fire.

3. Suck up (verb) : To try to please somebody in authority by praising them too much in order to gain some advantage for yourself.
e.g. In order to get good grades, Saiful sucks up to the sucky lecturer.

4. Suck up (noun) : A person who sucks up people in authority.
e.g. Saiful is such a suck up.

5. Suck it up (verb) : To accept something bad and deal with it well.
e.g. Those who couldn't suck up to their sucky lecturer, would just have to suck it up.

6. Suck somebody in (phrasal verb) : To involve somebody in an activity or a situation, especially one they do not want to be involved in.
e.g. Deera sucked her classmates in her plan to skip the sucky lecturer's class.

7. Sucker2 (noun) : A person who is easily tricked or persuaded to do something.
e.g. Deera's classmates are all suckers.

8. Suck this (verb) : To express anger or to be deliberately rude to someone by gesturing to your private parts (*apply to males only).
e.g. During the whole time the sucky lecturer was babbling and nagging, the boys were secretly wishing they could say, "Suck this!" to the lecturer without getting into disciplinary problem.



** Readers may add on, or correct writer. 'Coz the writer is still a TESL undergrad who might get sued in court for misconduct in teaching ethics in the future.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

My Korean Affair


No, I didn't have an affair with a Korean.

But I did have a go with Korean food today.

And I ate two bowls of rice.


'Coz I just couldn't stomach the rest.



When you can't pronounce half of the food in the menu, you know you're in for a ride. Either you'll squeal with delight, or puke.



I have to say I'd do the latter. Good thing I didn't literally do it.

I thought Korean food tastes bland. And they taste the same. If it doesn't taste the same or bland, then it would taste funny. And it's not so funny when such a joke can set your wallet on fire.

My palate just couldn't take it.



Stir fried meat with apples? Are they trying to cut down eating time by combining the main course with the dessert? But why?!
And then there's this stir fried rice paste thingy. Think dodol being fried with sweet and sour sauce. Nasty, ain't it? Not to mention the array of dishes that belongs to a freak show.

I'm not gonna say all Korean food are bad. The soup was aight, tasted almost similar to the Japanese Miso soup. And thank God the potato salad tastes like an actual potato salad with no red colouring in it or any funny smell. The rice especially, is pretty swell, especially if eaten with their soy sauce.

The good ketchup that saved Amanda from sulking in the corner

And um...that's about it.

It would be unfair to say that Korean food sucks in general. My friends enjoyed the food, and I have yet to try their BBQs. But judging from this experience, this will probably be the first and the last time I'll eat Korean.


Friday, September 11, 2009

Chivalry today...









...is dead.

Monday, September 7, 2009

How To Piss Off Your Lecturer/Teacher In A Civilised Manner


Throwing hateful glances to your lecturer/teacher is so the rebellious, grunge 90's. And so is yelling back and throwing your shoes at him/her. It is neanderthal, an uncivilised act. We are brought up in this world as cultured beings, prim and proper with high morals. In our Asian culture, we are taught to respect our elders, to follow orders, to bow our heads down when they tell us off, and to keep our thoughts to ourselves. But sometimes, we are human. We are cave people by nature. We just can't contain ourselves. We just can't follow orders the whole time.

So, how do we piss off our lecturer/teacher in a civilised manner when they start scolding us?

  1. Don't rebut, just smile as sickly sweet as possible, and tune him/her out.
  2. Upon smiling, raise your eyebrows the whole time to show that you have no hard feelings and have no intentions at all to scratch his or her car. Hold that thought.
  3. If you can't smile to the bitch in front of you, just nod your head, and say "Forgive me Sir/Madam" profusely. Every time he or she pauses to collect her arsenal of thoughts and words.
  4. Act dumb/retarded. Like, you just don't know why you can't stop talking in class. It's a biological, pathological problem and you need help with it.
  5. Act as if your so guilty, you have peed your pants. You'll be let off the hook as their sadism is satisfied.

See? No violence and bedlam needed.

Just beautiful, beautiful sarcasm.


Saturday, September 5, 2009

WEDGED!



I'm not much of a wedges person, but I HAD to have these babies.

Because it's only RM39.90 after a 20% discount!

And it's 4 inches high!

*in love*

Friday, September 4, 2009

To teareth down what you buildeth


Since the day we merdeka, we are told to unite with other races. To integrate. To live in peace and harmony. And so not subtle, racial integration propaganda has been seeped into our daily lives for the past 52 years: billboards with the three major races holding hands, the appearance of an Ali, Ah Meng and Raju in school textbooks, tv and radio ads with the three major races in it, a Gong Xi-Raya and a Deepa-Raya, students doing groupworks/staying in hostels/organizing activities with the condition of must having a different race together with them.

It's nice to know that with or without the help of those efforts, we have learnt to be colour blind. We might not be completely colour blind, but at least we tolerate, we get along, we've made best friends, and we've married each other. I'm not going to deny that we are still racist - we are: still making racist jokes, stereotyping and branding them, making fun of their accent, but we do all these to each other with no hard feelings.

Xenophobia and ethnocentrism is hard to erase completely, but the government's effort to patch us up is not in vain for quite a handful of us.

And now with the 1Malaysia concept, our ideal world of a truly, beautiful, raceless country is out there. We just need to hold hands together to reach it.

But like an ideal world, it is far-fetched. There are always the ones who wants to beat the system. Or more precisely, beat their own system.

There's that MACC's racist treatment towards its detainee.

Then there's the time when Muslim journalists spied on a Catholic church.

And there's that anti-ISA rally that turned into a warzone.

Oh, and who does not know about the cow head incident?

We are so close to integration, yet still lightyears away from it.

The question is, why are they tearing something down which they have spent half a century trying to put together?

What have they been harping all along? What do they actually want us to do now?


One beautiful concept going down the drain, coming up!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Like Bees


This is my hostel:




Know what it reminds me of?

Honeycombs!



Like bees, we live in a colony.
Like bees, we buzz day in day out to class, monotonously.
Like bees, we serve His Royal Highness.
Like bees, we are drones of mindlessness.
Struggling to dance a different beat,
Struggling to break free.