Monday, March 30, 2009

Alfie is not the babydaddy!


Paging Maury Povich!

Turns out wee Brit Alfie Patten is not the father of baby Maisie with village-bicycle-with-training-wheels girlfriend Chentelle.

A DNA test revealed that 13-year-old Alfie is not the baby's daddy. The boy took the test after several lads came forward claiming to have slept with 15-year-old Chantelle.

Alfie's mom said, "It had not even crossed Alfie’s mind whether Chantelle had not been faithful to him. He’s absolutely devastated that these lads say they slept with her."

Poor Alfie!

Apparently, Chantelle's mom ordered her slutty daughter to insist that she had been a virgin prior to sleeping with Alfie. But science has revealed the truth!

Alfie's dad said, "He said it was the first time he’d had sex, he didn’t know what he was doing or the complications that could come. I’ll talk to him again and it’ll be the birds and bees talk."

We think that by now, Alfie is well acquainted with the birds and the bees. What his dad needs to do is buy him a 24 pack of condoms.


First of all, PHEW!
And Alfie, so you're elephanto girlfriend is a slut. Get over it, you can go play pirates with your friends now. I feel sorry for you though, 'coz you know, nothing can beat changing diapers and waking up at 3 a.m. everyday; not even exhanging red tapes with your friends, trying pot and playing Guitar Hero the whole day.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Molehill to Mountain

Little mole –
Scurrying in a hurry
Digging up, digging up
Baking the soil under the sun
Your little hill is nothing but a joke
Frustrated, for you can’t take a poke
So you dig up, and dig up more
Making it bigger than before
It is a mountain now
Absurd and silly
Little mole –

Was it really necessary?

Friday, March 20, 2009


They told me. I’m not! So what if I didn’t cry my bleeding eyes out reading P.S I Love You by Cecelia Ahern?

That’s right. Not a tiny drop of tear, no thickening lump in the throat, no liquid rush up the nose and no tugging of the heart. Not after the first chapter, not at a quarter of the story, not at half and even not at the end. And they said I would tear up at every page. Tsk.

Come on! It wasn’t THAT sad. Seriously! It was more bittersweet with unnecessary slapstick events described in English for eleven years old and above.

I can see throngs of Ahern’s fans and sensitive readers chasing after me with fork and torches in the near future.

But seriously. I don’t even feel sad reading it. And believe it or not, I am a highly sensitive person who’d even cry while watching the most ridiculous movies at the most ridiculous scenes. I cried in Spider-man 3 when Harry the bag of hotness died. See – not heartless.

I’m not saying the book is bad; in fact I did enjoy it. But it just didn’t reach me and gripped my heart like a cannibal whose favourites are inner organs. The main reason would probably because I had too high expectations for this ‘really sad book’. Believe me, I tried so hard. I tried to be sad to conform to others’ view but I just can’t. I flipped every page in hoping I’d finally be able to squeeze a nano tear, but nada. Another reason would probably because I’m done with the chic lit phase since I’ve been reading serious shits lately. And reading too much linguistically advanced literature books makes me feel my intelligence is being insulted when reading such an ‘easy’ book. And I just don’t think it’s THAT sad! I’ve read sadder stories (and that’s from those serious shits). Yup, I have to list down all these reasons to people who scorn me for not crying and accusing me of not having a heart.

So far, only 1 out of 20 people who read the book felt the same as I do. And I hugged her with gratitude for understanding me, as she made me feel that I’m not alone in this world where its occupants cry when reading P.S. I Love You.

I'm gonna run for cover now.

Monday, March 16, 2009

An attempt to look 'cultured'

Last Saturday we went to Melaka to visit a local artist, Mr. Tham Swee Inn. It was an eye opening experience as we’ve never met a real life artist before, not to mention entering the abode of one. I guess our lecturer wanted us to go visit a ‘cultured’ artist and an art gallery to make us more ‘cultured’ (tea and scones, love?). You could say that we were absolutely astonished when we saw our artist.

Yup, that’s him alright. You could’ve mistaken him for that poor beggar across the street or that mentally unsound man taking a dunk behind a bush. Talk about looking ‘cultured’.

But he was aight. He showed us around, explaining to us his works and brought us around his house. Apparently he makes lots of money by selling his works to Bank Negara, MAS and Genting Highlands to name a few; and even creates sculptures for skyscrapers in KL. However, he obviously doesn’t look a million dollar nor does his humble home. Note the word ‘humble’.

Being an artist, he thinks differently than us Philistines. He keeps weird stuffs and trinkets all over his house. There is wood from a jetty made into a bench, a buoy hung at its exotic garden, a bathtub made into a pond and marbles scattered and cemented on the garage floor. But nothing could top this:

Yeah, and it serves a function too.

Since there’s no roofing in the kitchen (and other parts of the house), they use that in case it rains.

These are some of his works:

And these are some of his son’s work who also happens to be an aspiring artist:

His son is in his early twenties, hence the wicked testosterone driven art.

I mentioned just now that this fabulously rich artist is living the simple, rustic life, right? Not with his ride he ain’t:

After much carousing in the surreal cultural town of Melaka, I had to buy something as a souvenir of course. And this is what I just had to have:

A cheap ass wooden samurai sword! Now I feel so much safer in my hostel at night with much of those rape rumours going around.

When I think back of Mr. Tham’s artwork, it’s not that difficult to emulate his works. Heck, I can produce my own artwork too; and in fact, I already did before seeing his works. I am too, proved to be ‘cultured’:

I joke, I joke.

If you have the time, go visit this guy. If you wanna read more detailed accounts of this incredible artist, visit my literature blog. 'Coz it's really worth your time. If you're 'cultured', that is.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Curious Case of How Brad Pitt Could Look So Young & Damn Hot

I've never been a fan of Brad Pitt. I mean, I think he's good looking, but if you were to ask me who is the hottest man on earth, I won't say it is him. HOWEVER, after watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons, I think he deserves to get that award every year until he dies.

I'm amazed with Hollywood. It's a normal thing to age people in a movie by using lotsa lotsa makeup, but how do you make them look younger? He looked like just like the time he made his first debut in Hollywood, where he is all hot and blonde and sexy. I'm amazed.


The movie on the other hand is just exquisite. It's so special, unique and one of a kind. How did F. Scott Fitzgerald ever thought of such an idea?

Saturday, March 7, 2009

The Legend of Chun-Li: Zzzz....

Another remake. It's gonna be either a hit or miss. Well I thought it's a miss.

First of all, the main character itself is a disappointment. I’m sure many will disagree with me that Kristin Kreuk is a bad choice for Chun-Li, ‘coz well, she’s hot and guys get hard-ons when she kicks ass. I have nothing against her, but it’s just that Chun-Li is supposed to be Chinese and a Chinese she should be. I was expecting someone like Zhang Zi Yi, or even any Chinese D-listers; but hey, whatever keeps the guys to go and watch the movie. Mayja disappointment.

Secondly, Chris Klein as Charlie Nash. I’m not really familiar with this character, or how he should be, but Chris Klein is just trying to hard. It’s just so painful to see him act (and his receding hairline). Such a far cry from his American Pie days.

Thirdly, I find the Catana character hilarious, ‘coz she’s a dyke who just wanted to get some quickie pussy from Chun-Li but ended up got her ass kicked. Novel.

Fourthly, Taboo from The Black Eyed Peas is Vega. A Mexican-American (or was he half Filipino?)playing a Spanish dude. Why? Acting a guy in a mask 98% of the time in a movie - a good start to kick off your acting career.

Fifthly, I don’t think it was a good idea to pick a guy from Desperate Housewives who plays a villain to play another villain in another movie. ‘Coz when I watch the movie, all I can think of is Edie’s boyfriend as M. Bison and when I when I watch Desperate Housewives, I see M. Bison. Wonder what evil plans he has to take over Wisteria Lane.

Lastly, I just thought the movie was a snore. The action scenes were just aight. I'm just glad to see Chun-Li's signature move. There’s a hint of a sequel, with Ryu in it, so you’d better just borrow that movie sequel from a friend, if you badly want to watch it. Don’t download it yourself, let your friend do the downloading ‘coz it might not be worth at all.
The only character worth being played is probably Balrog by Michael Clarke Duncan. He’s just so cool.

However, watching the movie makes me wanna dig up the old console and play Street Fighter. And for old time sake, I wikied them and took a stroll down memory lane:

In a past life, he was an assassin who gives up his life of murder to repay for his sins. It is during this time that he trains a young Chun-Li.

Chun-Li (China):
She seeks to avenge her father, who was murdered while investigating Bison's crime syndicate, Shadaloo. Acquired the nick name “First Lady of Fighting Games”.

Balrog (US):
Balrog is portrayed as one of Bison's three top men. Was initially named Mike Bison to emulate Mike Tyson, but was changed to avoid infringement.

M.Bison (Thailand):
A would-be world dictator, Bison's ambition is to control the world's governments through his covert crime syndicate, Shadaloo.

Vega (Spain):
Vega witnessed his mother's murder at the hands of his own father, who felt that she did not respect him, and Vega killed him out of vengeance. He works for Shadowlaw under Bison, and is sent to New York to kill Chun-Li, but is ultimately defeated and knocked into an alleyway.

Charlie (US):
Charlie is a first lieutenant in the United States Air Force and is given the duty to track down Bison and uncover corruption within the American military.

Rose (Italy):
Rose came into being at an unspecified point in the past, the result of M. Bison's attempts to master the evil energy known as Psycho Power. In order to hone his telekinesis, Bison chose to discard what he viewed as the 'weak' parts of his soul. These fragments later reformed into a newborn baby named Rose, who holds the embodiment of Bison's 'good' half.

Ryu (Japan):
Best friend, rival and sparring partner to Ken. Ryu is sought by Bison, who seeks to use Ryu as his next host body. With the help of Sagat and Sakura, Ryu is able to defeat Bison.

Ken (US):
Ken is described as a former sparring partner, rival and best friend of Ryu.
In Street Fighter II, Ken is invited to participate in the World Warrior tournament by Ryu, with Ken having already moved away from Japan to live in America. In Ken's ending, he ends up marrying his girlfriend Eliza, who is Guile's sister-in-law.

Blanka (Brazil):
Blanka was once known as Jimmy, before he was in a plane crash as a little boy. This crash caused him to grow up in the wild, although he has connections to a local village. Blanka faces Zangief as his second mid-boss and unwittingly prevents Zangief from helping to destroy the Shadaloo criminal organization.

Sagat (Thailand):
One of M. Bison’s Four Devas, but his only aim of joining M. Bison is to seek revenge towards Ryu who had scarred his chest.

E. Honda (Japan):
Edmond Honda investigaties the Shadaloo organization in response to sumo wrestlers taking drugs, and learning of their involvement after capturing some of the dealers.

Guile (US):
William Franklin Guile - A Major in the United States Air Force, he leaves his country and family to enter the World Warrior tournament and avenge his friend Charlie's death, who was killed by Bison, the tournament's sponsor sometime before the events of the game. In addition to tracking down him, he tracks down Shadaloo to avenge Charlie.

Dhalsim (India):
Dhalsim is characterized as a pacifist who goes against his beliefs by entering the World Warrior tournament to raise money for his village. Dhalsim attempts to hunt down an "evil spirit" (M. Bison) threatening the world.

Zangief (Russia):
A former professional wrestler who participated in the tournament to represent his country under the request of the Soviet President, an unnamed character resembling Mikhail Gorbachev (the actual real life Soviet President at the time).

*Sigh*...It's so good to be born in the 80's. But the 21st century just likes to fuck the classics up.

**Please correct me if I get any of the facts of wrong.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Euphoria by Ministry of Sound: The Ultimate Clubbing Experience

This is one club that lives up to its name. 12 hours later, I’m still at a euphoric state, itching to go there again. I’m in love.

Everything about it is just uber-cool. As you enter the club, you feel like entering a gold class cinema with its lush carpeting. And there’s this bright word plastered on the wall of the entrance – PREPARE. Indeed, I wasn’t prepared to expect such awesomeness. When you enter, you’ll have to walk up a flight of spiraling stairs flashing with psychedelic colours. The stairs look like those stairs in teenage prom movies where the guy or girl of your dream is waiting for you as you go up the stairs. And finally, we reached the house of supreme coolness. I was stunned. It’s huge! It has high hemispheric ceiling and the dance floor is a like round vast skating rink. The dance floor is at a lowered platform, like a swimming pool emptied for people to dance in it. And there are two podiums for people to dance on, and on that night we went, two guitarists were rocking out on each podium. I almost died.

And of course, the music was absolutely wicked. It was Mix Tape night, so it was suppose to be a mixture of different music like pop, R&B, rock and house. However, the way the DJs mashed up all the songs like The White Stripes and Lady Gaga were completely fresh and freakin’ insane. It really lives up to its description that “a fusion that is fresh…yet strangely familiar.”

The best thing about the club is that it is the only non-smoking club in Malaysia so you don’t get that suffocating feeling from people who smoke like chimneys. And when you get home, you won’t stink of the bad mixture of smoke and sweat ‘coz there’s no smoke! For the first time in my life, I went back feeling clean and I didn’t have to soak my clothes for a week to get the cigarette stench off. Heaven.

Other gold points about this club would be the fact that it is free for ladies to enter ALL NIGHT LONG. And the toilets are a far cry from those regular dank, stinky, smoky, cramped club toilets. For one, it is really, really clean. And two, there’s no drunken girls hanging around in the toilet smoking like a coal factory. Me love cleanliness.

And finally, three last words to describe Euphoria: BEST. CLUB. EVER.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

It's March already?

Damn, when did this happen?