Sunday, December 6, 2009

Durians: Love 'em or hate 'em

When it comes to stating your thoughts on durians, you can't just say, "It's aight."

It's either, "It's SUPER MOTHER FARKING AWFUL, I'm cutting my tongue off!" respond, or, "It's SUPER MOTHER FARKING DELICOUS, I think I just came."

British explorer, Alfred Russel Wallace wrote a pretty poetic description of durians in 1895:

"The five cells are silky-white within, and are filled with a mass of firm, cream-coloured pulp, containing about three seeds each. This pulp is the edible part, and its consistence and flavour are indescribable. A rich custard highly flavoured with almonds gives the best general idea of it, but there are occasional wafts of flavour that call to mind cream-cheese, onion-sauce, sherry-wine, and other incongruous dishes. Then there is a rich glutinous smoothness in the pulp which nothing else possesses, but which adds to its delicacy. It is neither acid nor sweet nor juicy; yet it wants neither of these qualities, for it is in itself perfect. It produces no nausea or other bad effect, and the more you eat of it the less you feel inclined to stop. In fact, to eat Durians is a new sensation worth a voyage to the East to experience. ... as producing a food of the most exquisite flavour it is unsurpassed."

You can image how huge his boner was while eating durians.

These people beg to differ though.

- Anthony Burgess, British novelist
"like eating sweet raspberry blancmange (sweet, pudding-like dessert) in the lavatory"

- Andrew Zimmern, chef,
"completely rotten, mushy onions"

- Anthony Bourdain, chef & American author
"Your breath will smell as if you'd been French-kissing your dead grandmother"

-Richard Sterling, travel & food writer
"... its odor is best described as pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock"

And other comparisons are made to a civet, sewage, stale vomit, skunk spray and used surgical swabs.

Oh come on people.

Burgess, do YOU eat your pudding in the loo?
Zimmern, you could finish up eating all those insects, satay-ed bats, beating frog hearts and yet you surrender at a bite of a durian? Pussy.
Bourdain, Nana is very disappointed with you.
Sterling, you drama queen.

As bad as it people think it smells like a ferret, your sewer pipe, your little nephew's puke, a prank fart bomb and (eugh) pus coated surgical swabs, I. FUCKING. LOVE. IT.

Mr. Wallace, you rock.

A little trivia:
- durians closely rival chocolates in terms of its addictive nature.
- and they are aphrodisiacs.

NO (Ooohhh!) WONDER.


Eric said...

saw one of the episodes in a cook's tour, Anthony Bourdain loves durians!

Jessica_Lyne said...

I do eat durian but cannot makan banyak ni. I always get this funny feeling in my stomach klu makan too much durian. Those who snub durian don't know what they are missing!

chegu carol said...

those who hate 'em...idung durang ada something wrong sumwhere :P

zewt said...

the gwai-lo shall say.... smell like sewerage... taste like heaven.

Amanda Christine Wong said...

eric: yeah, actually he loves it..but still he made that comment :/

Jess: alala, sayang ko jess! tapi at least u still eat it :D

Carol: betul tu!

zewt: yup2...and only for those who can get past the smell..

Gallivanter said...

I tried durian and hated it. To each their own. :-P

SaM said...

yes, yes! bourdain LOVES durians. he was just being sarcastic bout that remark. so far, he's the only famous foreign chef who loves durian

wordsonjpgs said...

i used to eat durians when i was a fat kid, but i stopped after a traumatic incident.

i came home from school one day and found a note from my mum - "for you". i looked at three tupperware filled with durian and glutinous rice, and figured they were all for me.

in a gluttonous two hours, i ate all three containers' worth of durian and sticky rice, with a lot of water to wash it down. i think the 'full' switch on my brain wasn't working that day (never worked too well).

after the deed, my stomach was so bloated that when my mum came back and saw me, she was shocked. she even thought of sending me to hospital. after that day, i stopped eating durians.

i also found out that if a person really wanted you to eat three containers of food, they'd write "ALL for you".

Daniel Chiam said...

I love durian

Taufiq said...

durian is fucking delicious.period. those monkey who got their asses in fear factor can eat raw-,[insert an animal name]-stomach, eat all kind of insects, bathin in a tank of pig's shit(of course they accidentally swallow em), eat [insert an animal name] eyes, brains, and all part of the body that usually people do not eat... and yet, like u said manda, they give up in this fruit...

owh yeah, sean hates durian too, he's a pussy when it comes to durian :D

Shamimi Haniza said...

manda, kita geng kan? hantu durian!!! hahahahha. remember d one dat i gv u. kesian coz i blk kg melantak durian byk2 while u stuck at hostel. i think we shud beli a few kilos n buat parti durian berdua. amacam? ~da lama x buat keje gila~

brittkchancellor said...

A bird in hand is worth two in the bush................

Amanda Christine Wong said...

Gallivanter: aw man...durian cake? :D

Sam: ah, so he was being sarcastic...loves him!

Wordsonjpgs: oh my! that must've been unpleasant at all! can maybe like, try again? :D

Daniel Chiam: right on there brother...

Topek: i know! they're sooo stupid...we wouldve won the challenge huh...hehe...oh man, he doesnt? pusss....haha

Mimi: JOM! we go buy durian (if still in season) nanti balik jb...hehe

mimiette said...

alah manda,
suruh je mimi tu ajak u balik kg kami.
kg dekat je.
pokok durian pun banyak.
tunggu musim jela.
amacam? =)

Amanda Christine Wong said...

mimiette: nak! nak! nak!