When it comes to stating your thoughts on durians, you can't just say, "It's aight."
It's either, "It's SUPER MOTHER FARKING AWFUL, I'm cutting my tongue off!" respond, or, "It's SUPER MOTHER FARKING DELICOUS, I think I just came."
British explorer, Alfred Russel Wallace wrote a pretty poetic description of durians in 1895:
"The five cells are silky-white within, and are filled with a mass of firm, cream-coloured pulp, containing about three seeds each. This pulp is the edible part, and its consistence and flavour are indescribable. A rich custard highly flavoured with almonds gives the best general idea of it, but there are occasional wafts of flavour that call to mind cream-cheese, onion-sauce, sherry-wine, and other incongruous dishes. Then there is a rich glutinous smoothness in the pulp which nothing else possesses, but which adds to its delicacy. It is neither acid nor sweet nor juicy; yet it wants neither of these qualities, for it is in itself perfect. It produces no nausea or other bad effect, and the more you eat of it the less you feel inclined to stop. In fact, to eat Durians is a new sensation worth a voyage to the East to experience. ... as producing a food of the most exquisite flavour it is unsurpassed."
You can image how huge his boner was while eating durians.
These people beg to differ though.
- Anthony Burgess, British novelist
"like eating sweet raspberry blancmange (sweet, pudding-like dessert) in the lavatory"
- Andrew Zimmern, chef,
"completely rotten, mushy onions"
- Anthony Bourdain, chef & American author
"Your breath will smell as if you'd been French-kissing your dead grandmother"
-Richard Sterling, travel & food writer
"... its odor is best described as pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock"
And other comparisons are made to a civet, sewage, stale vomit, skunk spray and used surgical swabs.
Oh come on people.
Burgess, do YOU eat your pudding in the loo?
Zimmern, you could finish up eating all those insects, satay-ed bats, beating frog hearts and yet you surrender at a bite of a durian? Pussy.
Bourdain, Nana is very disappointed with you.
Sterling, you drama queen.
As bad as it people think it smells like a ferret, your sewer pipe, your little nephew's puke, a prank fart bomb and (eugh) pus coated surgical swabs, I. FUCKING. LOVE. IT.
Mr. Wallace, you rock.
A little trivia:
- durians closely rival chocolates in terms of its addictive nature.
- and they are aphrodisiacs.
NO (Ooohhh!) WONDER.