Monday, November 30, 2009

Disney Hunks!

Last post we talked about Disney princesses. Today let's talk about their heroes. But living in a sexist world, we don't get to see what happened to them after their happily ever after. We don't get to see them develop beer guts or balding heads. INSTEAD, we get to see them all SUPER DELICIOUSLY SEKSED UP! Even the most feminist and gayest woman would want to play damsel in distress if our favourite princes and heroes get to be dressed (or undressed) like this. Enjoy, you horny bitches.

Peter Pan from Peter Pan

Good thing you'll never grow up.

Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty

I'll never sleep. EVER.

Eric from The Little Mermaid

I know you'd like some sushi.

Adam (Human Beast) from Beauty and the Beast

Under all those fur is a sexier beast.

Gaston from Beauty and the Beast

Another sexy beast

Aladdin from Aladdin

I'd like to see a whole new world with you.

John from Pocahontas

You can colonise me.

Kocoum from Pocahontas

You can decolonise me.

Thomas from Pocahontas

Yeah, I don't really remember you, but you look like fun.

Phoebus from The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Save me, I'm a gypsy. I swear.

Hercules from Hercules

Hi, I'm Aphrodite...

Shang from Mulan

Oh shucks, you caught me...Can I still be in your army?

Tarzan from Tarzan

I don't know what you just said but I'd like to follow you back to the jungle.

John Henry from John Henry

Yeah, I don't know you, but my that's a big sledge hammer you have.

Kuzco from The Emperor's New Groove

I'd groove with you.

Milo Thatch from Atlantis: The Lost Empire

I'm lost. Find me?

David from Lilo & Stitch

Well aloha there...

Jim from Treasure Island

Looking for some treasure?

Will Turner from Pirates of The Caribbean

Let's abandon ship together.

Troy Bolton from High School Musical

Wanna play ball?

Prince Edward from Enchanted

When you come to save me in the real world, don't wear pants.

King Peter and Prince Caspian from Narnia

Let's do it for Narnia.

Prince Naveen from Princess and The Frog

I don't care if you were green and slimy before.

THANK YOU David Kawena!

Disney marathon, anyone? :D

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Unhappily Ever After

Ever wondered what happened to all those Disney princesses who got their happy ending at the end? As in, what happened after the happy ending? Enjoy, you sadistic bitches.

Ariel from Little Mermaid

"Mom! A real life mermaid! Like in those movies!"

Belle from Beauty & The Beast

Guess Man Beast is hotter than you now huh, Belle.

Cinderella from Cinderella

Prince is always out-stationed huh?

Princess Jasmine from Aladdin

"Damn those Americans!"

Little Red Riding Hood from Little Red Riding Hood

A very happy, hungry wolf is waiting for you, Red

Rapunzel from Rapunzel

That's it honey, embrace chemo. Lose the ridiculous wig.

Princess Aurora from Sleeping Beauty

"Sir, dragging your wife and her bed is prohibited here."

Snow White from Snow White

Don't you wish he never came and rescued you?

These brilliant photos are works of the Dina Goldstein, and this is her Fallen Princesses work:

Fallen Princesses place Fairy Tale characters in modern day scenarios. In all of the images the Princess is placed in an environment that articulates her conflict. The ‘…happily ever after’ is replaced with a realistic outcome and addresses current issues.”...I began to imagine Disney's perfect princesses juxtaposed with real life issues that were affecting women around me, such as illness, addiction and self-image issues.

Life is never a fairy tale. Not even for them.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

This Day in History for 27th of November

I know most of you sucked in your history, so let's have a brief run down on the 10 awesome things that happened on the 27th of November staring from the year 1095 till 1986.

Pope Urban II orders first Crusade.

You know where we're dining tonight!

William Shakespeare marries Anne Hathaway.

But I thought...?!

The first Eddystone Lighthouse is destroyed in the Great Storm.

Not our first lighthouse! FML...

Earliest photograph of a meteor shower made.

Dude, we're not high, are we?

Audience throw vegetables at actors for first recorded time in US.

Make sure you record this. It's going to be LEGENDARY!

Bruce Lee was born in California.

For the last time, I wasn't born in Hong Kong!

Honda first opens in America.

Luckily Hiroshima wasn't THAT big...

Harvey Milk, American politician and the first openly gay man to be elected to public office in California was shot by Dan White, San Francisco supervisor.

Yeaah, I only heard of him after the movie came out. Admit it, you too.

Republic of Ireland gains consultative role in Northern Ireland.

Rejoice ye Leprechauns!

Amanda Christine Wong was born in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. Woot!

I is wicked

Happy birthday to me! :D

Monday, November 23, 2009

10 Sickest Literary Texts I've Read

In my five and half years of being a TESL student, we are led to believe that literature is good for us. It contains timeless, universal values that we can learn from. We can discover the workings of other culture and societies of a different time. It basically reflects life. So if you have zero knowledge on literature, you'd think the books are all written by old farts in very old English, purposely twisted to make your understanding harder that preach goodness and morality.

You are so fucking wrong.

The literature world ain't some rainbows and butterflies stories that teaches moral values. It's rather the contrary.

I don't know about other TESL courses in other institutions, but the texts that are assigned to us are pretty dark, twisted and depressing. The characters are mostly psychotic, sadistic and very horny. And most of the characters die in the end.

These are ten of the sickest texts we studied (that I could remember):

10. The Cane in the Corridor by James Thurber
It's about a sadistic man who drove his already crazy friend nuts by talking about mental hospitals and whatnot just because his friend didn't visit him when he was sick. What a child.

9. Paul's Case by Willa Cather
It's about a young man who jumped towards a moving train because his father wanted him to become an accountant when all he want to do is a musical.

8. The Prussian Officer by D. H. Lawrence
It's about a masochistic Prussian officer who loves to beat the shit out of his orderly who happens to hero worship his commander. So brutal, so sad, so gay.

7. The Rocking Horse Winner by D. H. Lawrence
It's about a kid who rode his rocking horse whom he believes will make them win the lottery, till he fucking dies.

6. Territory by David Leavitt
A man was caught doing the doggy with another man by his mother. On her perfectly manicured lawn.

5. The Landlady by Roald Dahl
It's a about a crazy wrinkled bag of a landlady with red finger nails who kills young boys who come in to stay for the night, disembowel them and preserved them like stuffed animals.

4. Sredni Vashtar by Saki
It's about a despaired and sadistic kid who wishes his guardian dead. And when she did die in a fire after she was attacked by his pet ferret, he smacked his lips and enjoyed his toast. Yum.

3. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
It's about a man who decided to get back on his lover for not wanting to fornicate with him by torturing his lover's husband - by marrying and abusing his lover's husband's sister. He also fucks up the relationship of his married lover's child whom is in love with his child. Yes, their kids are actually first cousins. Eww.

2. A Rose for Emily by William Faulkner
A crazy ass bitch killed her boyfriend after he said he wanted to ditch her. And she had necrophiliac sex with her dead boyfriend all night long, all year long.

1. Oedipus Rex by Sophocles
It's about a man who accidentally killed his father and married his mother. When he realised he had been fucking and sperminating his mom, he jabbed his eyes with pins from his mom's dress. His children are also his siblings. Good thing he's bloody blinded now. FHL.

So you see, these writers are definitely not just nice old farts living the good life. Most of them are mentally ill or have a disturbing childhood. The more fucked up your life is, the greater your acknowledgement in the literary canon.

And boy we've learnt a lot from these texts. I just hope none of us would go crazy and jump towards a moving LRT train when we start teaching next year.

Or go on a killing spree.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

2012: Apocalyptic Awesomeness

I'm sure most of you have watched the movie 2012 and started wondering where on earth are you gonna find 1 billion Euro to save your ass when the day comes.

And for those who haven't watched it and wonder why on earth you need to find 1 billion Euro, go watch it. Now.

Basically, it's about the end of the world. Three farking years from now. Apart from of its God awesome graphics, (you'll go 'faaark' every 30 seconds at the edge of your seat), it protrays universal themes and deep messages clearly. It's about making tough choices, ethics, morality, faith and sheer human basic instinct to live. It shows how human and humane people can become, and what it means to be human. It also shows that money CAN buy happiness and how China is the undisputed number one world labourer. Being so freakishly real, some parts of the movie can get pretty intense. Like, you-suddenly-feel-like-crying-eventhough-it's-not-a-sad-sappy-scene intense, or you-feel-your-stomach-is-churning-and-feel-like-throwing-up-in-somebody's-pop-corn-box intense. Because the world is fucking ending! There's also a Noah's Ark thing going on there. Biblical and archetypal in a modern setting.

I don't know bout you guys who have watched it, but I think it is farking intense and farking awesome. And it is well scripted and unheavily cliched, being another Hollywood apocalpytic movie.

And oh, you also get to see the U.S. get annihilated first - for those who have a thing against the Americans.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

"Fried Fish Served Alive"

Next time you drop by China, don't forget to order their latest breakthrough fresh seafood delicacy. Say what? How fresh it can get you ask? This is definitely going to blow you away. It's fried, yes...but it's still alive when served! Yes, you can pick at its white, succulent meat while it's still breathing and wriggling in unspeakable agony! Check this shit out:

I'm no animal lover, I'm a total meat eater, and I love good food, but this is just too much, China. Just because the fish just lay on the plate wriggling quietly as their flesh is eaten slowly by a round table of totally oblivious, happy Chinese family doesn't mean they don't feel a thing! So not cool, Chinese chefs!

Sometimes, I'm grateful that they aren't any bigger, more intelligent and sophisticated beings out there than humans - or else they would have discovered how to fry us into crisps but still keep us alive and pick on our succulent, juicy meat. Maybe we would've screamed in hellish agony till our vocal cords burst, and we'll be just as quiet as the wriggling fish on their plates when served.

And I think PETA needs to head to China, pronto, before they discover how to roast the Peking duck and serve it ALIVE.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Final Blow

You crushed his soul,
he just let out but a small cry.
You stabbed him a few times,
he bled but didn't die.
You tore his heart apart,
it still beats weakly and you don't know why.
So you did what you had to do,
even though you do not want to.
You put a bullet under his skull,
then break his neck and rip his head out,
with his fragile spine and all.
Now you know he's surely dead,
his innards all scattered on the floor.
Behold your final bloodshed -
He doesn't have to suffer anymore.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Back to School Horror

This morning, my mum brought me to go meet my former school's principal for a referral letter. She heard that my school is lacking of TESL trained teachers. She had to jump to that opportunity. I wished I could just stayed at home. I cringed at every conceited things she had to say about me to get the principal sold. And was secretly glad and relieved when the principal said he can't do anything yet since I haven't completed my studies.


Friends who are teachers, friends who will be teachers soon,

Would you want to come back to teach at your old school?

The teachers whom you've pissed off, made fun of and drove them to tears; and make exaggerated impersonations of every time during an 'old school friends' gathering, would be your colleagues now.

You're lucky if they have completely forgotten how notorious you were. Or if they have retired or died.

The teachers who had yelled and scolded you like you're in boot camp, pinched your nipples (for the guys), made you run five rounds at the school field and stand on your table for not bringing your homework, would be working side by side with you now.

You're lucky if grandchildren have made them nicer souls or completely forgotten what a pain in the ass you were. Or if they have retired or died.

The teachers whom you have loved and respected, had crushes on and always been the first to send gifts during Teacher's Day, or the ones you had deliberately tried to suck up for a higher grade, would be bitching about other teachers with you now.

You're unlucky though if they have completely forgotten what a little suck up teacher's pet you were. Or if they have retired or died.

I don't think I can go through that ordeal.

I'd rather be sent to an island where my classroom is only 10 by 10 feet in measure and full of sand.

It's just too horrific.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Paradoxically AirAsia

AirAsia is a non-smoking flight.

A strictly non-smoking flight.

Smoking in the lavatory will cause the smoke alarm to go off.

Okay, we get it, stewardess with perfect hair and makeup.

The 'no smoking' icon never goes off. Got it.

No smoking in the lavatory. Got it. Stewardess said that already.

Another warning here? I said I GOT IT.

...but you can put off and throw your cigarette here?

Hm...I guess this cancels out everything.