Goodbye Little Miss Wicked, Hello Little Miss Nice

So today is the last day of our semester, and tomorrow will be our finals.

Our last semester is apparently as short as 4 weeks and we have only two subjects to take. So after much studying the same crap over and over again and cramming it all in for 4 weeks, the end has finally come.

Although technically it is NOT the end of the semester as we will be spending the rest of the semester sloughing away into school related depression, it does feel like the end. We had a little informal unplanned lunch and dinner and we dined like we'll never see each other again.

And that means a new fucking beginning is gonna start soon.

I've met my practical lecturer who has sworn to see me fail, and surprisingly (or not), she was suspiciously...nice. Maybe she'd forgotten how I deliberately irritated her like shit. Maybe her new year's resolution is to forgive and forget. Or maybe, this could be a fucking psychological trap. She'll get me when I least expect it. I'd have to watch my shoulders every second. Any time now. Any time now. Any time now. Any...Oh my, now that is a brilliant mindfuck revenge.

Either way, I'll have to be Little Miss Suck Up and Little Miss Smiley Face Who'll Accept Any Retarded School Related Responsibility for the next three months.

And since it's like the end of the semester for us, I'm gonna miss my college a lot. The bashing part, that is.

So this would probably my last time I'm running my mouth uninsured. (Or not. Yeah, probably not.)

Buku Rancangan Pengajaran Harian

What motivating and cheery way to send us off to school with a dull, shitty coloured daily teaching planning book!

This is me letting out all wickedness in me now to become Little Miss Nicest Teacher Trainee On Earth With An Overdose of Sunshine Whom Older Teachers Can Walk All Over for the next three months.

People, please pray for me so I can pretend to be nice and not break down and burn a school property.

Synesthesia Super Powers!

Have you ever heard of people who could taste music, hear colours and read in colours?

I haven't.

Till I watched one episode of Heroes Season 4.

It seems like a Hollywood generated ability tailored for the popularity-dying and perplexing-full-of-shit Heroes TV series, but it actually is a real condition experienced by 1 to 200 people, to 1 to 100 000 people.

It is called synesthesia.

And it is AWESOME.

Synesthesia is a condition in which one sense (for example, hearing) is simultaneously perceived as if by one or more additional senses such as sight. Another form of synesthesia joins objects such as letters, shapes, numbers or people's names with a sensory perception such as smell, color or flavor. The word synesthesia comes from two Greek words, syn (together) and aisthesis (perception). Therefore, synesthesia literally means "joined perception."

So like I've mentioned before, if you have synesthesia, you'd probably taste strawberries in your mouth upon listening to Taylor Swift's Love Story, see the Aurora Borealis during a jamming session or learn to memorize alphabets by remembering the colours associated with them.

It may seem like douchy ability, I mean, don't you wanna have this ability to brag? I would, in a heart beat. I'd probably write a douchy book too.

According to Cytowic, synesthetic perceptions are:

Involuntary: synesthetes do not actively think about their perceptions; they just happen.

Projected: rather than experiencing something in the "mind's eye," as might happen when you are asked to imagine a color, a synesthete often actually sees a color projected outside of the body.

Durable and generic: the perception must be the same every time; for example, if you taste chocolate when you hear Beethoven's Violin Concerto, you must always taste chocolate when you hear it; also, the perception must be generic -- that is, you may see colors or lines or shapes in response to a certain smell, but you would not see something complex such as a room with people and furniture and pictures on the wall.

Memorable: often, the secondary synesthetic perception is remembered better than the primary perception; for example, a synesthete who always associates the color purple with the name "Laura" will often remember that a woman's name is purple rather than actually remembering "Laura."

Emotional: the perceptions may cause emotional reactions such as pleasurable feelings.

These are the few lucky people who have synesthesia:

Ray McAllister sees music: "A bright flash of lavender getting dimmer and dimmer; now we're going over a pink staircase, some lavender violins."

Carol Crane feels music: "I always feel guitars on my ankles and violins on my face."

For Carol Steen, every letter has a color: "Z is the color of beer, a light ale."

And James Wannerton tastes words: "New York is, it's runny eggs. London is mashed potato, but it's extremely lumpy mashed potatoes."

In short, having synesthesia feels like your 5 sensors are all fucked up when you're incredibly high.

Fucked up 5 sensors = SUPER POWERS!

AWESOME!!1

The day of reckoning is near. I have a letter to prove this insanity is real.

I never thought the day of reckoning would actually come.


We were given a briefing about what to do and not to do upon entering the school. And also, how to survive that long, gruesome 13 weeks.


But they didn't told us what to do in case we shit our pants.


We were just reminded time and time again to wipe everyone's ass instead.


That's the ONLY way to leave the school, alive. Broken maybe, slightly psychotic too perhaps, but nevertheless, ALIVE.

It's right after the Chinese New Year hols, people.

IT'S RIGHT AFTER THE CHINESE NEW YEAR HOLS.

And there's no way of stopping it.

WHAT THE FARK.

I feel like crapping just even with the thought of it.

FML.

Help?

Second Pregnant Man. Somebody please jab my eyes.

The world was turned upside down inside out (beats me how that goes) when we met the first pregnant man, Thomas Beatie.


World, welcome your second one, Scott Moore.


GAAHHH!!! MY EYESSS!!!

See, I just don't get it.

Scott and his husband were both females with 36DDD breasts.

Okay, that was me digressing. 36DDD!!!

Anyway.

So once upon a time, they were two girls who feel like they were born in the wrong body. So you'd think they'd dig pussies. Because of course, they feel like they have invisible balls and have huge imaginary erection upon seeing boobs.

But that's not the case!

Coz all they wanted was to be men! So they don't get turned on by the vajayjay? But instead, they like to see hunkilicious men?

So what does that make them? How can I unfairly and stereotypically label them? Let's do the maths here.

Men who dig women are straight, and vice versa.

Men who dig other men are called gays. Women who dig other women are lesbians.

But if a woman who wants to be a man and digs other men, that would make her gay, not a lesbian. But wouldn't her gayness be canceled out 'coz she'd actually just be a straight woman who loves a disco stick? 'Cept now she's in a man's body?

I'm so confused.

And here's another question to ponder. A possible reason for a woman to be dying to be a man is because she could escape her traditionally and socially dictated roles and norms, especially the part where she has to be the bearer and nurturer of the child.

Now that Scott and Thomas have literally shed that role, why on earth do this still wanna go through womanly labour pains? Haven't they successfully became meat eating beer guzzling testosterone driven men?

I no get it.

To all Malaysians heading to Singapore via Woodlands Checkpoint

Now Malaysia can rightfully claim their very own joke:

Welcome to Singapore. Do not burn CHURCHES here

Comedy Central, here we come!

Go 1Malaysia!

Sub zero oppression. Isn't it just awesome to be a TESLian?

The government and banks freeze your bank account for these four main reasons:

1. You fucking owe them money.
2. You're serving time in jail.
3. There's been an identity theft. Either you have been theft or, you are the thief.
4. You suddenly made RM500k in an hour from your newfangled internet investment scam.
   

Let's see. I'm trying to recall whether I've heard anyone in my TESL groups (mine and the juniors) have committed such crime. Let me check their Facebook walls.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Clean. Just a little bit of profanities here and there. And too much Farmville.

Then I see no reason why our 7th semester's RM4.2K allowance has been frozen.

Sorry, my bad. I should've mentioned. BSN and Bahagian Pendidikan Guru's hands are clean.

They delivered the money, as promised in our 6 years course agreement.

The almighty powerful beings up there probably fell asleep on the job and couldn't bank in our rightfully owned money. Hey wait, they did give all the courses their allowances. Except for the TESL group though. I guess they fell asleep after banking in everyone else's money.

Oh wait, I forgot. Jeez, how could I forget that there was a reason for freezing only the TESL group's allowance?

Your whole semester's allowance will be frozen until we've decided whether you are eligible or not to claim your so-called mini research paper that is worth RM300. Until then, you may continue eating recycled paper as RM630 000 worth of 150 students' allowance swim in our account. In the meantime, this admin building looks like it is in need of new paint, no? And ooh, let's make more unnecessary bus stands...

And the oppression and discrimination towards TESLians just got ten levels higher.

It was low enough when you check on our attendance every Monday assembly and leave the other courses unchecked because their records are immaculate and because we are just too awesome for your liking.

But freezing our allowance and robbing us from our basic fucking right as scholarship students - now that's sub zero low.

How To Use The Word "Bah"

Dear Sabahan friends, I'm sure most of you experienced this before - met a Peninsular person, and once he or she knows you're from Sabah, they'll go "Oh, Sabah! Apa khabar bah?"

Not only it makes you cringe, but you'll also feel like dying out of embarrassment for that person as you answered an OK with a plastic smile.

Seriously Peninsular people, don't ever, EVER try to use the word "bah" on a Sabahan if you don't know its lexical usage. You won't sound funny, smart nor endearing. You'll just sound like a total idiot.

So just in case you still insist to be a smart Alec when meeting a Sabahan for the first time, let me at least save you the embarrassment by showing you how to say it right.

1. Bah, as an exclamation that means okay.
e. g. Wanna go have lunch? - Bah! Let me get my wallet first.

2. Bah, as a conjunction that has the same usage and meaning as so.
e.g. Bah, what time shall we leave then?

3. Bah, as an interjection:
(i) to stress about a particular object, situation or an imperative statement.
a) "Can't you see the word?! Ini bah, ini!" she said to him while practically poking the laptop screen.
b) Cepat sikit bah!

(ii) to show displeasure or anger.
e.g. Bah, kau jangan macam-macam sana. You fuck up and your ass is mine.

(iii) to introduce the subject first, before completing the sentence in a subject-verb-object form.
e.g. Si Ali (subject) bah, dia (subject) selalu korek (verb) hidung (object) while driving, kan?

As you can see, the word bah can be used regardless what language you want (Bah, voulez-vous coucher avec moir ce soir?).

I might missed out more ways to use it, so if you're a Sabahan accent grammarian, be my guest.

I think this would suffice though, for you Peninsular people so that you won't look like a douchebag when talking to us the first time.

And can you see clearly now how you butchered the "Apa khabar bah" sentence?

It's okay. We understand. We'll just try not to laugh.