Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore-- And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
~ Langston Hughes ~
We all had a dream. A dream of a better world.
Everyone, well, most people thought that today would be the end of a tyrannical reign and the dawn of a new era. Yes, am being dramatic, like you don't know me.
But then, we woke up (we who couldn't stay up till 3:30 a.m. to get our hearts broken by the PM when he said nothing about 6th March being declared a holiday even though he like, fucking won), to one of the saddest day in Malaysian democracy history.
I'm not too sure whether the WHOLE nation is upset with the "new" government, or whether I'm just friends with people with great minds who think alike as I do.
Some started to blackout their Facebook profile, (which I think is brilliant 'coz it beats selfies and duckfaces), and I'm seeing posts about wearing black and walking around shopping malls with duct-taped mouths. Duct-tapping duckfaces, haha. Anyway, I applaud your effort to take a stand to mourn for democracy. Bravo.
Some became so upset, they decided not to give a shit anymore, 'coz you know, the election will always be dirty, there'll never be a chance for change.
But my brothers and sisters of sound mind, there is chance. Although we couldn't change it now, look around you, it IS changing. We are evolving, the next generation of voters is evolving. We no longer care about about what particular race wants, rather what is good for ALL, and that we can't be easily bought or intimidated. Unlike people 50 years ago, and some people today. I read a post somewhere saying that Ghandi and Mandela waited years for change, and here we are being impatient.
So yeah, if our dear government screws us again in 5 years, we still have chance to change. Unless you like, die or something. Don't be a sore loser and say you'll never vote again. Just go and die if you think that way.
As for those who are happy about the not-so-new ruling, congratulations. I'm not going to argue with you 'coz I know reasoning is not your strong suit, plus some of you are my good friends. I just hope you like spending more money, having new Bangla and Filipino brothers and getting surprise buttsex over land and resource.
Our dream may be deferred now, but to answer Mr Hughes, yes, a dream deferred will explode, someday.
And when it explodes, it will explode all over you-know-who's face.
Recently my kids participated in the district level drama competition.
Like every other school, they worked their asses off, encountered actual asses along the way, and in the end, they made it to the moment when they took that final bow on stage.
And they were flawless. I know I'm not being biased because the other schools thought so too.
But to our dismay, they didn't even get a place.
Our issue was air-quote "inappropriate" for secondary school students.
The plot goes like this. Girl gets pregnant. Boy is irresponsible. Girl soon feels stigmatised by society. Girl does abortion. Girl went cray. The message? Don't go murdering babies or else you'll start hearing voices.
BUT apparently, no matter how clear our stand and message for students in this drama are, the real life concern on teen abortion is still "unsuitable".
The question of gender inequality and social stigma is pretty much too heavy for secondary schools students' level of thought to take in. (in which my students with low proficiency understood perfectly)
Apparently, a drama on abortion and the fact that a wife can raise her voice against her husband after hitting their daughter doesn't reflect good moral values. Never mind the fact that the drama stressed on the dangers of abortion and to never take a life.
Apparently, happy endings, unrealistic situation and traditional gender roles are preferred. Not a drama that reflects the nasty reality of life.
It upsets me that my kids who delivered a perfect performance didn't win, but it upsets me more to see how our education system is screwing our kids. As if they are not screwed badly already.
This does not only happen to me. This is not a rant about losing. There are other teachers I know who highlighted issues like teen drug abuse and prostitution in their drama. But of course, no matter how good it was, it was downright rejected for being "inappropriate". Why? These are not primary school students whom we still have to protect their innocence. Is teen prostitution really a shocking thing these days? Are adults the only ones doing drugs and having unprotected sex? Why do we still need to shelter our kids from things that they could potentially fall into during their darkest hour of life? A drana performance is one medium we can use to educate our kids, but looks the objective is lost when there is still narrow-mindedness.
We are telling our kids that life is a fairy tale. We are telling them to avoid talking about real life issues, its impact on life and how to face it. And since simple, dumb story lines are preferred compared to thought-provoking ones, we are telling them to screw thinking creatively and critically.
Again, the things that we were taught to teach our kids can be just flushed down the toilet, because this system isn't prepared to produce world-class thinkers.
So fine. For next year's competition, our drama will about the Turtle and the Hare, except they're zombies. And they become bestfriends in the end after realising trying to eat each others brain is wrong. AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER FUCKING AFTER.
All (great) writers suffer this from time to time, and now it's my time. I only have word diarrhea here for you to read as a filler.
I'm now writing this in a state of drowsiness from my flu pill. Ooh, look at that. I think my curtains are trying to tell me something.
I don't post as much as I do now. And even if I do, it's when I'm angry. In fact, I am now kinda pissed off with school and students. But it's the same 'ol same 'ol thing, you know, about kids showing lack of commitment and respect to teachers who'd sacrifice their time for them, about being complained and threatened by the security guard that a report will be lodged to the principal about my "speeding" in the school area (FYI I only hit on the accelerator when I'm late and I know I'm wrong but I don't like being threatened so eat my smoke) and about the infinite school work. I just don't get some things. We are now incorporating technology in our work system, yet it burdens us more as we now have to do techy stuff AND keep records on those prehistoric books. My brain just farted.
It's been a long time since I wrote awesome, thought-provoking, silly things. Plus I don't travel that much anymore. Hah, I lied. I went to KL last school holidays and I'm going to Bandung in September. So yeah, no travel stories till then. There's nothing to talk about KL. Except that they're building an MRT at Bukit Bintang and the roads' are fucked and I was lost for a moment. Oh and there's Sephora, a makeup candy store. And there's H&M. If these stores open in KK, my life will be complete. And oh did you know that the minimal bet in the Genting Casino is RM50? And RM25 if you're riding on someone else's game? Fuck, this is the laziest holiday story I've ever written. No pictures too. Because surprise surprise, we didn't even bother to take photos even though my friends and I meet only about once a year. It's one of life's mysteries.
Then after KL I went to Mahua Waterfall at Tambunan with my colleagues. The water was fucking cold, and I think that's probably the reason I'm flirting with my curtains now. Here's photo of proof that I went out to have a life during holidays (because my photoless KL trip may not convince you) and I did not just roll in my bed for a week (which I thoroughly enjoyed for a day or two).
Then there's Good Friday and Easter and so many hours at church and I barely felt my sweet holiday and now it's gone and I'm never going to get it back and now I'm sick and angry and angry and sick since the second half of the school term started and now I really don't have any ideas to write about besides about hating my kids who disappoint me over and over again.
And so my word diarrhea ends here till I have other interesting things to say that isn't related to my disgruntled feelings towards work.
I know there's 252 followers of you out there, so if you could contribute some topics for me to run my mouth on, that'd be great.
Though I believe it would be quite thoroughly satisfying if I could do that.
For the past few weeks, it was hectic with a flurry of competitions in school.
I thought that after more than two years of teaching experience, I'd be able to handle kids and their dumb competitions.
I thought that, hey, kids are interested to join competitions without being forced to, therefore, they would commit and will do everything to win. I'd just have to be as committed to them to see them through.
On the contrary, I had multiple meltdowns.
I questioned my vocation. I felt like a failure. I felt unappreciated. I felt trampled on. I felt like I have wasted my time and energy with kids who didn't put in half of their effort to win.
I hated my job.
And no matter how many times you make it clear to them that THEY are the ones who are competing, they still take things so easily. Thinking that victory is just a fucking smile away.
That's what happened to my debate team today.
Since day one, they lacked commitment and were lazy. When I told them to just quit, they refused. I applaud their fighting spirit. But I only got to see them really debate with each other the day before the competition as they only finished writing their scripts about two days ago, in which they had about two fucking weeks to get it done. Yes, I made them write their own scripts. I believe debaters should not be memorising perfect scripts written by their teachers. And with severe lack of preparation, it hurts my brain just looking at them debating like rocks.
And the moment they opened their mouth, I knew they would get shredded badly in the competition.
If I were a normal, kind hearted, face-saving teacher, I would have not allowed them to enter the competition, as it will only embarrass them, me and the school.
In all honesty, I wanted them to continue competing not because I don't believe in giving up.
It's because I want to watch them burn. Fuck embarrassing ourselves. I want them to have real education.
I want them to suffer the consequences of their action. I want them to know that life is full of thorns before one can reach the bed of roses. I want them to realise that they have to work their asses off if they really want something.
And that was exactly what happened to them. When I heard (I wasn't there because I'm done wasting a second with them) that they were muted by their opponents and lost miserably, I didn't feel any shame (people who know shit can judge me for being a shitty trainer for all I care), instead, I secretly gained a sadistic feeling of satisfaction.
Not because I'm a cold-hearted bitch. Well, maybe a just a little.
But because the objective of my life lesson for them has been achieved.
You can tell me I'm a bad teacher, but I still wanted them to learn, even though they were the cause of my recent suicidal thoughts. So fuck me, right?
Therefore, when all teaching methods have failed, the only thing we can do is to watch our students burn till they learn not to play with fire.